Keeping a Promise

Brace yourself for some real honesty up front… diving in…

The more I work on self awareness and management, the harder it gets to be vulnerable with you and share about it.

Writing isn’t always easy for me. This blog challenges me to keep it real. I’ll write two full pages and sit on it for a week, reading it often, feeling it’s not authentic, and delete all of it. Because I’m over-explaining… I’m including “us”, when really, I can only share what I know, and that’s about my personal journey.

Thank you for your patience with this blog, as I learn and grow.

I’ve been dealing with some overwhelming feelings lately. The typical, “I scheduled too much and now I need a break.” I’ve been using my tools of deep breathing, moving my body, even canceled a few things, and nothing has really helped me move through the feeling.

So I accepted it. Validated myself that feeling overwhelmed is normal. Sometimes, schedules are busy and I’ll be exhausted.

But if you know me, that’s not enough. I have to dive deeper and make sure that there isn’t some underlying issue that needs work.

I looked at my week. What was priority: on Monday I had a coaching call, followed by getting caught up with school lessons, the laundry and cleaning; kids have guitar lessons on Tuesday, and we do our weekly grocery shopping before the class; Wednesday was a girls day with my daughter, one we haven’t had in several months; and Thursday was another stop at the store, followed by lunch with a friend. In between these priorities were little things I had to keep up on: haul wood inside, shovel the new snow, dinner prep day ahead marinades, buy airline tickets for next week, work on finances, bake desserts, and finalize my son's birthday plans for next week. There are the things that don’t go on the weekly to do list, because they are just life: reminding the kids to clean up after themselves, teach them how to use the wood stove, care for the dog, worked on kitchen shelving for an afternoon, had a conversation with a kid about sex, had another conversation about priorities, took out the compost, my daughter brought me boxes full of stuff she didn’t want anymore, and my husband stubbed his toe.

And of course, there are always the things for me: writing every morning and finding new inspiration, keeping up with social media as a creative outlet for myself, the aforementioned coaching call and lunch with a friend.

Feeling overwhelmed is normal. Just looking at what I did for the week makes me realize how much I actually do, and need to give myself a little grace and extra love.

But I keep feeling overwhelmed… have I done it to myself, maybe I spend too much time in my head, maybe I focus too much on my healing and lose sight of the here and now.

So I try to shift my days and week to help myself feel less exhausted.

And it’s my own things that I shift, because I feel like I need to be, and can be, the most flexible.

I didn’t go for my walk on Monday. I haven’t shaved all week. I have four more days to turn in an article I could have turned in weeks ago. I skipped some of my morning writing sessions. I’m ignoring a hard conversation I need to have with my husband. I skipped at least one meal every day this week because I felt like I had something more important going on. I want to work more on my vision and set goals, and can’t find the time.

Could my exhaustion and overwhelm feelings be because I haven’t been taking care of myself?

Have I neglected my own needs, for the sake of sanity, only to find insanity?

On mornings I show up for my writing, I feel taken care of. That I promised myself to write every morning before other excuses got in the way, and when I keep that promise, I feel seen. Validated. Relief. When I’m on a writing spree, and neglect the chores for another hour so I can finish a thought, it feels uplifting to my soul.

When I want to bake my beet and goat cheese muffins, ahead of watching another movie with the family, I feel light hearted and giddy to enjoy something so yummy and nourishing.

When I make time to stop and eat food, I feel more calm and less irritated. I feel the basic act of being taken care of, and that I have the physical energy to move forward with my day.

I’m filled with hope and support when I make time to meet up with my friends. The loneliness dissipates, and I realize more and more how I am not meant to be doing this journey of life on my own.

When I take care of my needs, when I make a promise to myself and keep it, I feel more calm, loved, seen, validated, and able to allow feelings of overwhelm and exhaustion move through me and not be worn down by them.

When I don’t show up for myself I feel lost, I get stuck, and feel like I’m drowning under the weight of my obligations and responsibility.

I feel the break of promises. Similar to when someone keeps promising to do something, or to show up, and never actually does.

And over time, I have realized that by breaking those promises, I have lost trust in myself.

I don’t set goals, because I don’t want to feel like a failure, because I have never stuck with goals I have set in the past. I don’t trust myself to follow through with a goal.

It’s hard for me to find foods that are nourishing to my body, because I allowed trends and fads to dictate what was best for me. I don’t trust myself to make the best decision for my health.

I don’t move my body intentionally, because I was taught that I should be productive, and moving slowly isn’t productive enough. I don’t trust my needs of slow movement, and push through to appear more productive than I need to be.

I need to do more. I need to be more. Because I don’t trust that who I am right now, is enough. I need to control my life, because I don’t trust my ability to self regulate when nothing is in my control.

Not taking care of myself, through meeting my own daily needs, builds mistrust in myself and my ability.

It’s the cause of my overwhelm.

It’s the cause of my inability to self regulate and heal.

When I feel burnt out, and face myself with honesty about what it is I am really feeling, it’s the feeling of neglect that comes up.

I have tools to help me move through burn out and overwhelm… but they don’t work if I don’t use them.

One tool I use is closed eyes, deep breath in through the nose and out through the mouth, acknowledge my feet grounded on the floor, relax shoulders, shake my arms and full of love say, “You are enough. You are here now, in this space, and you are safe. You are worth this time you are taking to breathe. This feeling of overwhelm is allowed to be here. It is allowed to take up space and it’s allowed to exist. I don’t need to fix it or move it. My feeling overwhelmed is valid. So what do you need my love to coexist in this space with overwhelm?”

Sometimes, it’s the validation I need to keep moving forward. Maybe just reassuring myself of where I am is the love my heart needs. Other times, it’s the need to stop what I’m doing and find something else. I’ve been in the middle of errands, and realized I need to cross the rest of them off my list and head home. Sometimes I tell my family no, so I can do my own thing - like baking, writing, reading, taking a nap, or hanging out with a friend. I’ve also neglected cleaning so I can write more, go for a walk, watch a movie, or take a longer shower.

These tiny acts of following through with my needs, starts to build the trust back with myself.

Showing up every morning for myself, through writing, has become the habit my soul needs. When I choose something else instead of writing, I trust myself to come back to it. I trust that I need something else, I trust I’m not neglecting or failing, and it brings more peace to my life.

I don’t see missing a meal as a failure anymore. I see it as me trying to build trust that I will nourish myself when I need it. And I practice that trust every time I eat.

Asking myself what I need, and actually showing up for that, builds the trust I have with myself.

And that creates self awareness. Confidence. A bit of joy and a whole lot of self worth.