Cultivating Friendships

Not sure if anyone else feels this way, so I'll be the first to speak up... Adult friendships are hard. Like, really hard. I feel like I don't know how to maintain and grow a healthy friendship.

Growing up, I was super social. I mean, the golden rules were, 1) Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. 2) To have friends, one must show themselves friendly. Being in a very social environment, made it easy to make friends with just about everyone. School every day, church services on Sunday and Wednesday evenings, sleepover birthday parties, family reunions, after school sports, and summer camps.

When I became a new mother, I passed on those golden rules and tried to give my own kids a life of experiences, to make friends. I attempted to keep up with the golden rules myself by meeting with other mothers, thinking they could relate to parenthood, and ease my burden of isolation. But because of where I was at in my personal life, and having expectations for meeting up with other moms who I didn't know, it made me judge them and our connection. If they didn't have the same beliefs, if they didn't put in the same amount of work on the friendship, if they didn't make me feel good about our time together, I didn't keep trying. If I even felt the slightest neglect, I assumed I didn't mean anything to them, and would squash the connection before I would be hurt later on.

At that time, I didn't know who I was and I defaulted to playing the overly nice card. I had the high pitched voice of fun, kept it light with jokes, kept conversation going with lots of questions I wanted them to ask me about. I pretended my life was great with sharing my highlight reel. Even lied occasionally by saying I knew how they felt, when really, I didn't. I would be overly nice with compliments and gifts, at an attempt to make them like me. It's no surprise these friendships didn't last. Meeting up with other moms for fun, who I didn't have a deep connection with, where I performed to be accepted, where I judged them and myself way too harshly, left me feeling exhausted after some meetups.

Because of that, there were a handful of years, between my kids ages of five to ten years old, where I just sort of gave up on making new friends. In all honesty, I didn't see the value. Maybe it was the moving to a different town and life got in the way. Maybe it was just the overwhelming burden of parenting mixed with the struggle of taking care of myself. I don't really know. But making a new friend felt like more work than it should have been; more work than I experienced in the past, and was lead to believe.

During this time, I did have one friend, Desiree. We had kids of the same age and we both were in a new town, together. Our lives were relatable, and we emotionally understood each other. So when one of us cancelled a meet up, vented a frustration through a text, just needed to talk about food or life, we met each other with respect and grace. It was my first experience with seeing and feeling validation in a friend. I knew she would still accept me, and fully understand, my need to cancel a meetup or vent a frustration. I didn't feel judged by her, or self guilt, for cancelling or sharing my feelings. And within that safe space, it allowed me to grow, and experience what an authentic friendship was like.

I also had a long distance friend who kept in touch daily. We were each others source of sanity for the long days of motherhood. We talked all day long, about everything from a recipe, to kids, to life, and womanhood. There were no secrets, we left the phone on while we did the chores and ran errands, and there was laughter every day. As I began to personally heal, grow, and change for the betterment of my life, I started to notice some things in our relationship that were not healthy. In a nutshell, I was co-dependent. Unknowing to her, I started to set boundaries, and when she crossed one of them, I told her I needed a break from the friendship. Almost a year later, with no contact, I finally wrote her an email expressing a few issues I had in our friendship, and why I could no longer continue to be her friend.

Fast forward three years, to today. I have three friends in which there is a really deep soul connection with. They immediately generate a surrounding of safety. Which allows me to let down my guard, and be my authentic self, without fear, without judgement. In my personal space of authenticity, there is self acceptance, and I'm able to lean into my qualities that reciprocate the feeling of safety back to them. I like to think of it as a mirror of our best qualities. We are more than just kind. We give respect. We feel genuine excitement for the others growth, and our hearts break with empathy during a hardship. There isn't expectations or obligation.

I also have two friendships that I have a great connection with, based on similar interest. There really isn't anything wrong with these friendships. They just are not as deeply connected in the soul. I don't feel as emotionally safe and accepted, so they require a little more work. Meaning, I have to actively be mindful to engage and show up. The energy is slightly forced, like maybe time isn't abundant. Which I feel leaves the friendship more on a surface level, without the feeling of safety, or time, to dive deeper.

In all of these friendships, there is one common theme... we don't talk daily. We mostly don't talk weekly, but usually communicate monthly. And a couple of them, it goes longer than a month before we say, "thinking about you." It makes me wonder if the time gaps of communication prohibits really knowing someone. If I was more aware of what they were going through each week... if I was more forthcoming with contacting them about what I'm going through that day, would it make them feel burdened, or more open to talking.

Where am I going with all of this?

My dear friend asked me a very valid question I had already been thinking on for months, and couldn't articulate. (Thank you Addie!)

Why are friendships with women difficult to maintain?

For me, there really isn't an easy one and done answer for this.

First, I do not make my friendships a priority. My enneagram type five gets hyper focused on making my life peaceful, removing stress, healing, and working through emotions, that it robs me of the here and now. Some things, like cleaning or friendships or family activities get put on hold.

Second, what about when one of us can not receive or give to the friendship at the moment. When I show up, or they show up, fully engaged to listen, and be present, and the other person does not, the conversation sort of falls flat, or gets put on hold. Because of that, there is no continued dialogue that keeps us engaged in each others life.

Third, the reality of us each having a life to manage. Kids, responsibilities, and dealing with our own healing. Meanings get lost in text messages, and emails require a bit more communication skills. Phone calls feel nearly impossible unless scheduled like dinner dates.

In my very non expert opinion, friendships with women are difficult to maintain, because they require time.

Time, we often feel like we don't have. It takes time to sit and mentally reply to messages, to be engaged and available. It takes time to plan meet ups and calls around the schedule of our lives. It takes time to heal, grow, and establish ourselves enough, to feel safe to explore the growth and cultivation of friendships.

For me, it has been fifteen years of struggling with friendships and doing the work to heal and grow myself, to finally be at a place in my life where most days, I have the time and capacity to give to friendships. I finally understand the value of them, and want to work on building a deeper connection. But if I'm being really honest, going into the icky depths I don't want to face, the difficulties of maintaining friendships are hard for me now because, I hold myself back.

The love I have for talking, makes me self conscience. So I work hard at stifling myself, to listen more, to fully accept and offer grace and make sure they feel heard and loved.

I also feel fear of my friends not being able to meet me where I am. Because on most days, when I want to talk with someone, I feel like my conversation starters would be a burden:

- Growing up, what kind of relationship did you have with your parents? How has that changed? What do you feel they taught you, that has made a lasting impact on who you are now?

- Did you always want kids?

- What is your biggest self struggle right now?

- Do you ever get lonely and just want to talk with a friend, but also feel like it would be a burden?

- How do you keep focus on your dreams/goals when life is just too much?

- What are your dreams/goals?

- Are friendships hard for you to maintain?

- Is our friendship ok with you, or do you feel like it needs a little work? Like maybe we could take it to the next level?

- Is meeting up hard for you in this season of life? Could I reach out more for setting dates, or does that put you in a space of obligation?

- Would you like to hang out with me while I do errands... even if it's awkward, because I am so use to doing it alone and want to change the tunnel vision I get.

- Can you take space and time, to honestly tell me how you are feeling in this season of life? What do you have going on? What are you internally working on?

- I know your life is busy right now... but are you ok?

- I have a problem with identifying my self worth, with how much money I spend. Do you have the time to dive into this with me?

- Do you want to come over and watch a movie with me?

- Can I come over and hang out?

- I don't know how to maintain this friendship in a way that provides growth. Could you tell me what it is you need from this?

I realize the cultivation of my friendships require me to show up more authentically, even if that means playing a bigger role in starting deeper conversations. I'm working on it. It's tough asking a deep vulnerable question, and being met with short answers and no return questions that keep the conversation going. Or when they legit don't have the time, say they will come back to it, but never do.

And I've just never been one to hold that against someone. I understand it. I've been there. So I back off, give space, know they have a massive life of their own, and when they have the time, I'll be here.

Being at different stages of life, can make maintaining friendships really hard to work on and cultivate to a deeper level.

I have a pretty basic, low bar, of what I want out of a friendship: to feel safe, heard, validated, and supported. So I try my best to reciprocate those back to a friend. They deserve to take up space, and my time, and not be shamed for where they are at in their life at any given moment. I try to respond in a way that I would want them to respond to me.

I have no idea if I'm doing this "right." I don't know how a healthy friendship is suppose to look. In some ways, I might be breaking the rules, or not being/doing enough.

But I do know from personal experience, that friendships are more fulfilling now that I have a more solid foundation in who I am. When I trust myself, and listen to my needs, and validated my emotions, and keep my promises to myself, it gives me the strength and care to do the exact same for my friends.

I'm raising my mug of warm tea, to friendships. May we realize that although they require our time, some friendships are worth the effort.

Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year to all of you.