Reinventing My Self Care

I love this photo because it marks a great activity we did that day. Now, it's a great reminder of how I was in the depths of living every moment for my kids, and how I became addicted to making their lives full of memories. It really was some of the hardest and most rewarding times as a mother. I miss that mothering part of my life. It came so naturally to meet their needs and run a home. But at this same time, I didn't understand my needs, didn't make time to understand because I was raised in a world that having personal needs, was selfish. So I opted for what was popular in the media at that time, assuming they knew better than me because they had older kids and appeared to be doing it all right.

Media portrayed a mother's needs as self care. Obviously, being a mother was, and still is, a very demanding job that has our minds going 24/7. Which makes it hard to make time to care for ourselves. Media suggested going to a salon for pampering, taking a hot bubble bath, going shopping without kids, exercise, girls night and date night. So naturally, when I was feeling overwhelmed from a long day with the kids, I assumed it was because my needs were not being met. I would opt for something that didn't cost money, and benefited myself or my family. That's when working out and eating healthy came into the mix, grocery store alone after the kids went to bed, hire a babysitter for a date night, long hot bath while the kids napped. I even occasionally scheduled a couple hours at the salon, but only when both kids were in school, and if my husband was available to take calls from the school. And no matter what I chose to do, for self care, it came with guilt. Which no one spoke about.

I remember this particularly hard phase when life had been really overwhelming, I couldn't think of the last time I made time for my needs. So I scheduled a two hour salon visit. It was amazing to have something to look forward to, and I obviously felt like I was taking care of myself, finally. The salon was phenomenal and exactly what I expected. I drove home smiling and feeling so relaxed, knowing the weeks ahead would be so much easier now that I had taken care of myself. I picked the kids up from school and we did our routine while my head was in the clouds. And then, like any other day, the dinnertime routine came. It came exactly like all the other days - kids turned really needy, my irritability and overwhelmed leading to messing up the food and annoying remarks that made the kids cry. I was completely dumbfounded, my relaxed feeling melted away, the two hours at the salon, feeling wasted. I had met my needs, and yet, it didn't resolve my dinnertime emotions. What did I do wrong? Why wasn't I better? Am I a bad mom for taking care of my needs, and still feeling the need for more?

From there, every act of self care I did after that, felt like I was running away. Escaping the life I had so lovingly created. I was exhausted and overwhelmed, and that was temporarily alleviated when I went to the salon, date night, hot bath, errands on my own, meeting with friends, and the list goes on. The idea that I needed a job or a hobby beyond motherhood enticed me, thinking that would meet my needs long term. I tried to get a job, but nothing allowed the flexibility I needed to be available to my kids, especially my son who struggled in school. The at home gigs of MLM companies gave me a massive creative outlet I will forever be thankful for. But the lack of income, to support my family, became another burden to bare. I continued the occasional haircut and massage, while pushing through the guilt of spending time and money on myself. I exercised and lost weight and dove deep into nutrition and became a mom who occasionally followed Paleo, made almond milk and granola, and read every label at the grocery store. It gave me drive to keep my family healthy, while also educating my starving mind. I considered starting a health podcast. But nothing stuck long term. I learned valuable lessons and felt guilt that by not doing these things, meant I wasn't taking care of my needs.

So I dropped all of it. I didn't give up, I just ignored the common suggestions for self care. I didn't force or push or plan. I just indulged in what felt right at the moment. I spent a summer at the lake with kids and a friend, eating pizza and cheese crackers every day for lunch. When I wanted a haircut, I got one. I spent most of my extra money on local artist. I started writing more because I needed an emotional outlet, and it was free. I learned about my monthly cycle. I tried different diets and workouts. I cancelled plans and kept to myself.

And after a few years of subconsciously trying to figure out what my needs were, and what they meant to me, I came to what felt like rock bottom. And that feeling was similar to the feeling of giving up. Every night I stayed up late to grab hold of a few extra minutes scrolling social media, as a way to numb my mind from what felt like a crazy day. I labeled it as "me time", which sounded like self care. Mornings drug out as I talked myself into doing the bare minimum, because rest and slow movement sounded like self care. By afternoon I managed to do the few things in a state of overwhelm, and anxiousness that I didn't have enough time in the day for my needs. I attempted to eat healthier, journal more, change my mindset to be more positive, get better organized, and get off my phone more. All for the sake of self care. And as before, nothing stuck.

One day I received an email from an Instagram acquaintance, explaining her new Health and Wellness Coaching. I hesitated. I didn't know if I had the inner strength to do the work necessary to climb out of rock bottom. I took the weekend to think about it, as a way to push it off. But I couldn't ignore the hope this email brought me. I thought, "what do I have to lose?" There was no commitment, and when it didn't work, I could say I tried. So we set up our first phone call.

I told her one of my goals was to eat better. We worked on word play because good food, diet, healthy foods were my trigger words. We settled on nourishment. Early on, my coach posed the question, "What nourishes you that isn't food?" And I couldn't answer it right away. But over the course of four months, the answers began to evolve. I realized, it wasn't all about food.

It was mostly about my needs.

By the only definition I knew self care to mean, it was more about maintenance, than about needs. And that can feel impossible to maintain sometimes. In other situations, we feel guilt to neglect self care because the stigma implies we do not care. My opinion is, choosing to forgo self care in the form of a haircut, shower, going out with friends, can itself, be the self care you desperately need. In which case, you do in fact care very much for yourself.

So I changed my definition of self care. What was once considered self care, I now call self maintenance. And when I choose it, there is no guilt. I brush my teeth and spend money on the brush and paste all without guilt. So why was I feeling guilt about a haircut or a massage? Those are valid needs, and I am a person who is valid, so therefore a haircut or massage are valid.

And that little change of definition, was just the tip of the iceberg to discovering my needs

I do understand using the words "self care" are easy, relatable, and cover a broad subject. But they can also be loaded and damaging and triggering. "Self care" doesn't really have a place in my inner dialogue anymore. I have needs. And I'm discovering daily what those are. Right now it's slow mornings writing, and attempting to stretch my body. Followed by chores and spending the afternoon outside. And ending the day with family time, and in bed by 10:00pm. My needs often change and I'm learning to accept what each day brings. There are so many layers to uncover here. But that's for another time.

I'll leave you with this:

Wherever you are on this journey: of self care, having your needs met, not knowing what your needs are, feeling guilt, knowing your needs but not how to follow through... it is all valid. YOU are valid. Your feelings are valid.xo