What Wellness Coaching Did For Me

I think to fully understand what I came through, and where I am at now, you need to understand where I was.

In my last blog post I called it survival mode. It's a common term in the mothering group, usually in reference to actual survival mode, in a silly sense. Like we had two hours of sleep and have only eaten bread crust in the last week. I feel like we use that term as a way to say, "You know how I feel, so lets just move past it." A way to make the heaviness of what it actually means, a little lighter. A sort of fake smile or forced small talk in awkward moments.

I'd like to share the serious side of my survival mode experience. I can't say how long it lasted, knowing it honestly was an accumulation over the last fifteen years of motherhood. That some phases were high and easier to look ahead, while the low phases took parts of my time, my life, away from me. Ones I can't remember, or get back. Which is why I'll focus more on the last low point I had, at the beginning of this year.

I didn't realize it was a low point. Getting out of bed, and getting ready for the day was easy for me. Brushing my teeth and taking showers weren't even a problem. I would look at my list of things to do and choose what I could manage that day, making sure it was the easiest thing possible. It felt like I needed more self care, and to focus on my needs, so I always made sure I had enough time in the day for myself. After making plans for the day, I would sit on the couch as a way to rest, take it slow, and not feel rushed; a need I had.

I couldn't sit still and shut down my brain. My body fidgeted with the lack of movement. So I would write, read, or scroll social media. To calm myself; for self care. I would occasionally look at the clock and know I should be doing something, anything. But I couldn't find the motivation... I couldn't find the mental strength to actually get up and do what needed to be done. I would say five more minutes, look at the clock, and see that a hour had passed.

Around 1:00pm most days, I would roll my eyes at the clock again, forcing myself to get going on the to do list. How not doing anything, wasn't being productive. That my family and friends work all day, and I contribute nothing, so the least I could do is clean or run errands. Guilt and shame my only motivators to move.

Then I was sucked back into my article about garden architect.

I look back at the clock and realize it's 2:30pm, and I really should get moving if I want to appear like I had a full day. I look at my to do list again, and realize I can only manage a couple things with the time I have left. I get to work, the whole time mentally fretting over what I'm making for dinner; what can go on the grill since my husband does that. Then he is home and the evening work gets done and we eat and have our routine, and I go to bed making lofty plans that tomorrow will be different, I can't keep procrastinating, I'm proud of what I accomplished today, and drift off easily.

The next day repeats itself like the one before.

I started to feel like a failure in the sense that I couldn't manage my to do list, so something must be wrong with me. I assumed I needed to take better care of myself, so I bought more nourishing foods. Followed the weekly menu plan. When I needed to plan again, I couldn't think beyond the meals I already made. So I just made the same ones, with small variations.

I thought I needed to be better organized, to delegate my time better. So I spent too much on a daily planner, and it worked great. Until I began to feel overwhelmed by all the tasks I set for myself. Began to skip days again, take things off the list, for my rest. My self care.

Several times, I found myself trying to catch my breath while I was sitting, or making a meal or running errands. Almost like I had been holding my breath and didn't realize it. Similar to when you see someone fall, and your almost sure they are hurt, until they start laughing and you let out a big breath of air. Or when you have had a really busy day, where your not really focused on yourself, and when you stop for a minute, you realize you need to rest your feet and drink something and go pee, and take a couple deep breaths like "oops, I haven't even made time to breath properly" as you silently giggle.

What we mothers call, survival mode. Doing the motions, without thought.

Where it feels impossible to make time for ourselves, in the form of something beyond motherhood, beyond the basics of hygiene or a night out.

I felt annoyed I couldn't do more. It felt like the outer part of me, was fighter with my inner being. One wanted work and praise and results, the other wanted acceptance and rest and mothered.

Que the Health and Wellness Coaching email. I rolled my eyes. I couldn't even make myself healthy foods, how was I going to dive into the past and heal the trauma that was clearly impacting my current lack of living. But wait, maybe she could help with nutrition. She could help me menu plan, tell me how to organize meals. It started with a free call, to see if we were compatible with each other... to see if our back and forth would work. Which meant I could interview her. And there was no commitment. If I did decide to work with her, but felt along the way my needs weren't being met, and she couldn't adjust, I could give her notice and not continue. The decision to try coaching, came fairly easy after that logical mindset.

I decided that I wanted to do phone calls, once a week. In April, we started with a call about my goals and visions. I instantly opened up and was honest, because that's just who I am, and she asked. I also felt like the only way coaching would work, was if I was honest with her, and myself. The first several calls we focused on healthy foods, changed the wording to nourishing foods, per her questions, my answers, our conversations leading from one subject to another.

Nutrition lead to what do I need when I'm feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

That lead to a massive opening of what routine and freedom means to me, how it does/doesn't meet my needs.

What would happen if I left the past behind me.

What would happen if I was enough.

I don't show up for myself. I wouldn't bet on myself.

There is this inner/outer battle of myself.

What would happen if I showed up for both of them.

What if they both were valid... because they are both me.

I am valid.

What would happen if I showed up for myself.

What does showing up for myself look like.

How do I make myself feel safe, when showing up for myself.

People pleasing = letting myself down.

Slowing down = unsafe = things will change, and I cannot be in control.

Control = both stress and relief.

Survival mode/Timeline

Dipping toes into the feeling of discomfort when sitting still.

Acknowledge feelings of panic and stress when one more thing is added to my plate.

Sit with the feeling of anger when there is something out of my control.

My worth is not based off feelings or actions.

What are the needs of both my inner and outer being.

....

I really wish I could explain more in depth each of these breakthroughs. Each sub heading that I experienced and worked through. But some things are just meant to be mine. I can tell you, the experience was phenomenal! The coach was there to support where I was. To take my hand, and walk with me through my narratives, at my own pace. She never pushed. Always mirrored my words back to me, as a way to stay in alignment. She kept my inner compass moving forward, and let me find the words and paths that resonated with me most. I told her what I needed, changed my mind, and tried something else. She never flinched.

She felt like my intuition and cheerleader.

The whole experience was better than I expected. I didn't know something like this existed. That I could have help and support in the form of leading myself... compared to other therapies where I follow what is being asked of me. The coaching was hers, the experience was mine, and the changes I now have in my life, are the accumulation of us both.

I wake up in much the same way as before coaching. Look at my daily list that is a more manageable size, and make sure that some part of the day is for me. Acknowledge I am worth the time it takes to meet that need. These days, it's writing. Making sure that I spend a quiet time with myself in the morning, before the day gets started, where excuses are abundant and time is never enough. I come first, or I'll make myself last.

Taking the time to meet my needs first part of the day, makes me feel seen. Validated and heard. Which makes the rest of the day a bit easier for me to manage, because I don't feel ignored and neglected anymore. I'm able to be more patient with the kids and less stressful with the chores.

The biggest change in my day, my outlook, is that I now know I cannot control pretty much anything. The weather, the kids attitudes, interruptions in the schedules, and what my needs will be. Some days, every item on the list has to get done. And that can feel overwhelming, when I am already overwhelmed.

But I can control my breathing. Making sure it is long, deep, and intentional. That I remind myself I'm safe. Relax my tense shoulders, shake out the heaviness. I am valid, no matter how the day unfolds and what does and doesn't get done. That my wellbeing, in a time of stress, is valid, and THE most important thing over all else.

I cannot control my nervous system responses of flight or fight. They are invaluable tools to what my body is experiencing. But I can acknowledge it! Learn the tools to accept it and work through it. That the response is valid, because it is a part of me. And I am valid.

I cannot control how fast our homeschool program responds to emails, reimbursements for curriculum, or meeting a need I have. But I can control my flexibility, that a timeline does not mean I am failing. It means my priority of control is misplaced.

I cannot control the weather when it rains on a day I wanted to harvest the garden. I can smile at myself and bundle up and do it anyways knowing its exactly what I need, despite the rain. Or rather, an added element of magic. Or I can smile at the good fortune of "having to stay indoors", and readjust my plans. None of it validating myself. No blaming the weather for messing up my plans. No blaming myself for not being more prepared/flexible. Pure acceptance that I am where I need to be, inside or outside, because I chose that my wellbeing was more important than attempting to control the weather.

I cannot control a grumpy day. I now realize that some days are just grumpy feeling. I don't have to control it, I can choose to analyze it or ignore it. But I am still valid, and loved and worthy, even when feeling grumpy. I am allowed to feel grumpy, and I am allowed to express it safely. I hug myself. Say, "ugh it sucks to feel grumpy. But I still love you. Your allowed to feel the way you do. What can I do to make you feel seen right now? I don't want to change you, I just want to be with you so you don't feel alone." And then I keep cleaning the floors, knowing that some days I have to muddle through, but it does not take away from my value.

For the most part, I can control when I eat and what I eat. I am worth the time it takes to sit and eat my food, acknowledging the way it fills me with energy. That fueling myself, is an actual need for survival, and therefore, more important than rushing through errands and feeling famished when I get home, while snapping at the kids to calm down and give me a break. Reminding myself that not eating enough, makes me more irritable and causes me brain fog. And I don't want to feel that way, because I am more important than more time for doing something else.

....

I worked with my Health and Wellness Coach for four months, and then decided I wanted to give this a go on my own. The confidence coming from having a tool box full of resources and notes, one of them being her services at any time I need that extra support, that one on one dialogue where I know the answer, but need the reassurance. I know my value. And I can identify my inner compass now, thanks to coaching.

I want you to know, that wherever you are right now in your life, you have value. Your stress and anxiety, your overwhelm and exhaustion, your struggle of the day to day, your lack of joy for even the smallest things, your "grin and bear it" attitude, your happy but something is missing feeling, your contentment within yourself but wanting more in life... ALL OF IT IS VALID. Because its part of you, and you are valid.

Knowing your value, doesn't mean you won't experience the highs and lows of life. Knowing your value means that, your value doesn't change, even when life does.

I'll leave you with this:

If your struggling in some area of your life, I want you to know there is another option beyond the standard therapy. That you don't have to just listen and write it all out and find the source of your struggle. That wanting to just work through what your feeling these days, and move forward, is extremely valid and doable. And the other side of that, your feeling really good in yourself and your life, but need to talk through some feelings, or need some guidance with a life decision, or better resources - Health and Wellness Coaching can do that for you too. The beauty of my experience, is that it is adaptable to each of our unique needs.

We just need to accept our value, and know we are worth the "YES!" it takes to move forward.