Showing Up

I know I've talked about this a bit in past blog posts. But for those who haven't read them or are new here, let me fill you in.

Showing up for myself is a new thing in the past year. Before then, I wouldn't have known what these words meant, or even what it looked like. I was raised to show up for others. I married and began to raise my kids with the same humble and noble act of showing up for others.

You can probably guess all the ways I showed up for others, most of us do these without even thinking about it. Doing the laundry or making dinner, picking up the house and grocery shopping, making money and paying bills, listening to heartache and offering a tissue for teary eyes, being a cheerleader, and supporting in all ways necessary. Meeting up for a dinner or a phone call, baby sitting, and paid jobs. Showing up for others is pretty much weaved into our human fabric. It’s as natural as blinking.

But there isn't much chatter about showing up for ourselves, and for me, it’s similar to water and oil - it just doesn’t mix.

And that's what I want to talk about. Because showing up for myself is something I still struggle with, and have to mindfully be aware to practice it.

I don't like this notion of strictly showing up for myself - whatever I want and need happens, and those around me need to deal with it. It sort of implies I'm more important or my needs are more valid. I also don't like the other way, as mentioned above, when I don't show up for myself at all.

So where is the balance... although I know that itself is aloof.

I think for me it currently comes in the form of making time for myself.

I don't want a radical shift in the form of: carving out "me time" during the day, changing everyone's eating habits and routines to accommodate me, making big waves. I think these are fine. But for me, they don't last long. They take too much work and effort for me to keep showing up for.

The easier things I do to show up for myself are more public. Like making plans to have lunch with a friend or make an appointment for a haircut or massage. If I have someone expecting me to show up, I'm more likely to keep those commitments. I didn't always keep them, but that's another post for another time.

Where I really struggle these days is the private, day to day moments I can show up for myself, and just don't.

Like with food. I need to eat, obviously. But I struggle to actually make the time to eat, to sit and savor my food and allow it to nourish me. I've spent so many years following what fad diets and media portrayed was healthier, that I've lost the intuition of what my body is telling me it needs. Now, looking back, I would tell my younger self, "I know you're overwhelmed. Taking care of kids is hard work and a hidden sacrifice most don't acknowledge. You really are doing great. And you really do deserve to sit and eat some food. Please don't keep pushing it off. It's the energy your body needs to keep going. You are worthy of the time it takes to make yourself food and nourish your body."

I struggle to show up for myself when my body needs extra movement. Sometimes I can sense that a walk would be nice, or extra stretching would be helpful and I just don't make the time for myself. Some of it is a mental trigger, from years of exercise punishment, because I didn't like my body and wanted it to change and fit media standards. Part of this healing process is recognizing what I need, and taking the time to show up for myself with validating words. "I know you need to go for a walk, but you're feeling paralyzed. That's ok. It's been a really tough healing process, and you're doing more than you realize. Let's take a deep breath.... plant your feet... another deep breath... relax your shoulders and shake out your arms. Nice job. One more breath. You are safe. You are here, right now, in this safe space you have worked hard to create. I am so proud of you. Thank you for doing the hard work. Could we get our coat on and just go see what the weather is like. I haven't seen the river in a few days, I wonder what it looks like now."

Another way I can show up for myself is with writing. These days, morning journaling is easier than it used to be. I used to only open my journal to scratch out some anger or sadness that I felt like no one else would listen to. I dumped my feelings on the pages, closed the book, and moved on with my life until I needed a place to dump again. As you can imagine, this didn't make journaling that much fun, and naturally something I didn't want to do every day. But through wellness coaching last year, taking notes and having questions to answer, made it sort of like homework, where I had to show up and have answers for the next session. This process birthed written validation to myself. The coaching questions took me to places I had never thought of. It allowed exploration and visually seeing myself. I also took an online journal course from a writer I follow on social media, and she had a little nugget of pure gold that pushed my journaling to a whole new level.

Showing up for coaching was "easy", in that I had an appointment to keep. Through that process, I also began to show up for myself with writing. I told myself, "One way you can show up for yourself today, is with journaling. Can you do that for us? Just one page, just one sentence or thought. How about setting a timer for three minutes?" I had wanted to write every day, but didn't know how to get there. The idea that showing up for myself, by doing something I really love, made it easier. I struggled to do it daily, but I always came back to it. And now, it's a habit I don't think much about. There are still days I don't journal... I make a conscious decision that today I don't have much to say, and what I really need is something else. And that's ok. I'm still showing up for myself. And I always come back to journaling... the time away makes me miss it.

There are other ways I show up for myself that don't require too much effort. I grab a cold flavored tea from the coffee shop, a box of chocolates while I grocery shop, or choose a movie I want to watch even if no one else is a fan. I haul wood or shovel snow because I love the sweaty work and fresh air and instant gratification of work well done. I organize spots in the house, make time to shop at a favorite store, or read an article I've put off for too long.

It all comes down to making the time to show up for myself. That in all of the busyness and overwhelm, I make time to see myself. To acknowledge myself and treat her with attention, care, love, and validation. To remind her that she is just as important, more so, than anything else I have going on.