An Ode to 2023
If you have been here for the past year, you probably have noticed the decline in my writing, while also witnessing the progression of my life. For the most part, the start of 2023 had me really meeting myself deeply for the first time. It was one of the better phases of my life, and served me well by giving me the tools to move forward.
This summer, when I started my first out of the home job in sixteen years, I knew there would be hardships. But I assumed my new found tools and knowing myself deeper would carry me through. Instead, the change of pace disrupted a multitude of other internal problems that I felt I was not equipped to handle. That’s how life goes, doesn’t it? We don’t always have the answers or tools when going through a different phase of life… but we must go through those parts, to gain what is needed to support us through the next parts. Each time leaves us feeling depleted, while simultaneously making us stronger.
I’m here, on the other side of the hardship I experienced, picking myself up, and trying to understand what I learned. Questioning what the experience gave me that I can carry forward. And I have found the answer - a deeper realization that I need to give my physical body more attention.
Over the last six months, there has been a massive influx of meeting new people, which has led to me hearing the compliment more often, “You are very self aware.” I take this compliment awkwardly, not knowing exactly what they mean. And because I’m in my head, all.of.the.time, it makes me question what “self aware” means to me. I am aware of my uncanny mental ability to process deeply. But it’s time to move that energy, care, and intuition towards the physical part of my body. To become more self aware of my physical body by building a relationship with it.
My monthly cycle has sort of always been a personal badge of pride. It’s consistent, dependable, and nothing I’ve ever really had to worry about beyond my PMS symptoms and ovulation phase fluctuating. Physically, a broken arm, an emergency C-section, and a VBAC are the only medical things I’ve had to deal with. I did have some PT for a sore knee, and deal with the occasional headache and bone creaks of an aging body. But I don’t have allergies and even seasonal depression has been declining as the years go by.
So when I missed my period and had spotting for a month this past September, I figured it was time to see a professional. Per my usual experience, the doctor didn’t think anything major was going on, suggesting the added stress of a new job was the biggest culprit. To be honest, my intuition already knew this. But I thought it was the right thing to do, to have a professional opinion.
I already knew I wanted to make changes to care for my physical body, so it just seemed natural to keep heading in that direction. In the last two months my cycle has returned, I started a weightlifting class with a personal coach, had full blood work drawn with hormone testing, and I’m working with a nutritionist alongside a myofascial specialist.
And as great as this may sound, I’ll be honest and say, if it wasn’t for insurance, I wouldn’t be doing half of this. I would have seen the doctor once and then taken the rest of it into my own hands with google searches and trial and error. So the fact that I even have these options, is something I am very humbled by, and has prohibited me from fully enjoying where I am in this phase of life, where every penny doesn’t need to be pinched.
And that gives me pause.
Why? Why would I let money prohibit me from taking care of myself?
When my kids need the doctor, I spare no expense. Why do I treat myself unworthy of the same money and care?
And I realized, it’s never about the money. Or even the excuse of not enough time. It’s always been about my worth as a woman.
There will never be enough money to do all the things I want or need.
The time to care for myself will never willingly present itself. I have to practice making the time.
But if I truly believe I am inherently worthy, then time and money are excuses. A delay of my needs and an action that subconsciously tells me other things are more important.
And I don’t want that for my future self.
I see a version of myself, twenty years from now, and she moves effortlessly with joy. I see her soul, and body, marked from weathered storms, stronger than mine is now; while softer and full of love. I see her, fully deserving of everything she has, and of who she has become. And I know, because she is me, that I am also fully deserving of everything I have, and who I am, right now.
I'm leaving 2023 grateful I met the deeper parts of who I really am. Happy for the opportunities that presented themselves, and proud of myself for stepping uncomfortably into the unknown. And although I'm ending the year a bit busier than I would like, what I've added to my life is undeniably the most nurturing gift I could ever give myself.
Wishing you all the same self nurturing experiences in 2024.
