(Don’t) Change Your Mindset
I’m sure anyone who has searched for ways to improve their life, has come across the suggestion of changing your mindset. The suggestion details how to change your mindset, by writing a gratitude list, thinking of something more positive in your life, and/or remembering how far you’ve come, just to name a few. After all, people who look happier seem to have it all together; implying when you have it all together, by changing your mindset, you will be happier.
I have a problem with the “change your mindset” phrase. It's usually targeted to people who want a change... that need more than a mindset shift. And when those people struggle to follow through with the mindset shift, it can leave them feeling like they are doing something wrong, when it's sold as an "easy fix."
When we are depressed, anxiety ridden, at rock bottom, overwhelmed with exhaustion, or in a state of survival, changing the mindset can feel very unfamiliar, and could cause the original issues to be exacerbated. Waking up one day and deciding to change our mindset while committing to a gratitude list can feel empowering. But when a day is forgotten, or something gets in the way, our mindset often shifts into self derogation, “I need to try harder. Why is it so hard for me to change? Why is it so much easier for others? Am I doing it wrong?” And it puts us right back into those old comfortable patterns that we tried to get out of to begin with.
Even those of us on the healing journey with mental support, emotional awareness, tools to support ourselves during hard times, and a better understanding of our overall well-being, the “change your mindset” phrase doesn’t always work. The only difference is, we realize, it doesn’t have to work. Some days, we are stuck in old narratives, looping from a trigger, or just plain tired from the journey of healing. We don’t change our mindset, we embrace it. We realize this narrative/bad day/tiredness is part of the journey. And to change the mindset is to push away what the body/mind is currently experiencing.
I’m sure there are some of us who can wake up, do the gratitude list and affirmations and have it instantly become a habit and shift our mindset.
I haven’t met those people yet.
A more grateful mindset fails to “work” when a bad day comes along. And when a bad day turns into days, and then weeks, we are back to the beginning again.
Changing the mindset usually means ignoring “the problem.” These kids are exhausting… I should be more grateful. When really, they are exhausting, so maybe instead of being grateful, you find ways to rest.
Changing the mindset can imply there is something wrong with us. That we should try harder to change our thought process.
And nothing could be further from the truth.
We don’t need to change our mindset…
We need to hug our current mindset super tight, smother it with love, and let it know how much we accept it.
Try this: Let’s say you have a particular hard day. Maybe the anxiety is extra loud, the overwhelm more heavy. What could I say to you that would feel comforting? (Really think about this answer)
Suggestion: Maybe I wrap my arms around you for a big hug, and quietly say, “It’s ok to feel______. You are doing so much. You are keeping it all together, while feeling like it could all fall apart any minute. That is a lot to carry alone. What do you need right now?”
How does that feel? To be heard and validated. To have gentle kindness in the midst of heaviness.
We didn’t ignore how you felt, we embraced it and acknowledged it. We asked what it needed for comfort.
You didn’t change your mindset… you took care of it, by taking care of yourself.
If it feels safe, if it feels ok to move forward, I invite you to explore this practice a couple times and see how it makes you feel. Just notice the kindness of holding a safe space for yourself to feel what you are experiencing.
