When a Mom Works Outside the Home

I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom. As a young child, I would dream of staying home to care for my family by doing the cleaning and laundry, making big dinners every night, and taking my kids to museums and parks. I felt immense joy in the idea of making other people happy by caring for their needs. I felt it was my calling… my duty… my goal in life to achieve this “dying profession” of being a stay at home mom.

When I had my first child, Joseph, there were pregnancy complications which lead to him having weak lungs the first several years of his life. My mothering instincts naturally kicked in and I spent my days, subconsciously, devoted to his needs. In those early years, it felt like pure bliss. I was living my passion of being a stay at home mom. I was intuitive and knew what he needed, without him having to ask for it. We were best friends, living in a little bubble trying to be germ free, thriving off a routine. I made dinners from scratch every night complete with homemade dessert. I spent the three hour nap time doing the cleaning, so when he was awake, we could hang out and watch movies, go for walks, and do errands.

When my daughter, Jamie, was born three years later, she kept us busier than expected. She was full throttle so to speak. She potty trained herself a few months before two years old, and on her second birthday, decided naps were no longer an option, no matter how hard I tried. So, she made our lives thrive off being unpredictable. She brought life back into our days with always wanting to do something - fly a kit, hula hooping, fort building, gardening, sports, crafts, and so - much - laughter.

The bliss of being a new mom, slightly wore off, as I tried to find a new normal of caring for two kids with different needs, at different times. My son was starting school with speech disabilities and delayed behavior concerns while my daughter was a typical moody three year old needing guidance.

I began to question my capabilities because I could no longer make from scratch dinners every night. I didn’t know how to find one on one time with each kid, without feeling guilty for leaving the other out. I was so devoted to my kids, I would feel guilt for not spending more time with my spouse. And I rarely thought of myself. And when I did, it was another thing “to do”; like go get a haircut or squeeze in a workout. I felt ashamed for putting them in front of the TV at lunchtime so I could get some cleaning done.

I pushed down all the feelings and muddled through. No one had told me, taught me, that motherhood was anything different than bliss, so I did what I could to spark, and find, the magic of being a mother. In the winters, we had picnic lunches on the living room floor and slid down the stairs on a crib mattress. In the summers, we planted vegetables and washed our bikes and went exploring with neighborhood walks. At times, the magic returned and life felt easier. Other times, I struggled, alone, assuming this was motherhood now.

Somewhere along the way… I think when the kiddos were between seven and ten… I lost the luster of my dream to be a stay at home mom. It pains me to visit that time in my life… I have yet to fully acknowledge and begin to accept and heal those parts. But I just want you to know, for the sake of this blog post, that at some point, motherhood became a job I wanted to escape from. I felt obligated… I began to cut corners where I could - throw together dinners and store bought desserts, more electronics, and less family outings.

And yet, I couldn’t ever feel good about doing something different than being a stay at home mom. I had some small opportunities to work outside the home, and I found excuses to not take them. Those excuses began to keep me captive to being a stay at home mom.

I want to take this job… but what if my kids get sick and need me at home.

I want to work part time… but what if the school calls me and I need to pick up a kid.

I want to make money… but motherhood is holy work and there is more to parenting than making money.

I want to do something more… I can, just not right now while the kids still need me. What can I do from home to make money?

I want to go out this weekend to that event/meet a friend… but I should clean the house/do the laundry/make the grocery list.

As a mother, I’m sure you can relate to the constant “what if” scenarios we play out in our head. A way to be prepared for the unexpected.

Those “what ifs'” became more about me personally, than the job of motherhood. I judged myself harshly for both present and past actions. I was guided by my feelings, assuming they were the markers of who I am as a person. And I struggled to meet myself, and others, in any capacity. I was about two and a half years into this mindset, when I realized I was at rock bottom. And needed help. And that’s when holistic coaching came into my life.

Fast forward to the present day.

I was offered a liaison job. Scheduling contractors to go into occupied housing on the military base, and being with them through the work to ensure both homeowners and contractors are safe and respectful. Coordinating water, sewer, and heat shut offs while utilities are replaced. I was told it would be forty hour weeks, from May until September. And I would be paid $32.00 per hour, plus fringe.

My immediate reaction was, “That hourly pay might make this worthwhile.” Because you see, not contributing money to our home for the last sixteen years weighs heavy on me at times. It’s personal, I know. My upbringing and media stories I’ve adapted as my own saying I shouldn’t want money. But I do want an easier lifestyle where I don’t have to worry about money… which just so happens to need money to make that possible. I want an easier life, but I also want my family to have that lifestyle with me, so I want to make money to contribute to that lifestyle for us all.

But I digress slightly…

I thought about the job in its entirety. The “what ifs'” came back again. My stomach nerves wrenched at the idea of giving up my little routine of safety and comfort I had developed. I was finally at a place of peace. Contentment. Chunks of my life to pursue writing would be gone. Blissfully walking around the yard and spending long days gardening would have to wait.

I began to feel like I had to choose one or the other. Work outside the home making money, or stay at home a little longer and continue to develop what I was creating.

And then I just thought, I don’t want to choose.

I want both. The paid work is short term and doesn’t require a long commitment. And what I have been creating in my writing can continue under more challenging conditions. In fact, I wanted the challenge… to put into real life practice what I had been learning for the past year of healing.

But to be really honest with you… I wanted out of this homemaker/stay at home mom job. I didn’t want cleaning and cooking and errands to be my life’s focus right now.

I thought about the reality of my life - my kids are now sixteen and thirteen and homeschooling for this year was over at the beginning of April. I let my kids self regulate - which means I let them choose when they wake up, when they go to bed, and what they eat. They are, after all, still kids and I want them to have that freedom of choice. Knowing this, I realized they sleep until noon, often later. So, I wasn’t missing much at home, and they weren’t missing me. The house is always full of food, which they know how to make, so there isn’t the need for me to be home and care for them. They are self-sufficient in all things. I was only missing the teachable moments. And guess what, they happen whether I am gone or home.

So choosing to work out of the home, or stay home, was more about me. What I wanted. And no one could make that choice for me. I had drive - I wanted to make my own money and stash away some fun cash to throw away on a rainy day, while also contributing to our daily lifestyle. I wanted to do something drastically different than taking care of kids and a home. And I wanted a challenge. And I wanted to see the end in sight.

And that’s when I knew, I wanted this for me.

What if my kids need me… they can call you.

What if I mess up… you will mess up, but you know it’s not about your worthiness as a person.

What if I decide I don’t want to do this anymore… then you can quit. There are no rules that say you can’t change your mind and move on.

What if I can’t keep up with the housework and everything else I was doing… then you will have to ask for help and delegate. You do too much of it yourself anyways.

What if I don’t have as much time for writing…

What if my body goes back into freeze mode and I lose myself again…

What if the safe, slow, thriving space I’ve created gets lost in this massive transition…

What if it doesn’t?

What if you used your healing tools during the transition?

What if this work opportunity was also the opportunity to choose radical self love, in the form of doing what you want (this job) + advocating for what you need (rest, creativity, self care)?

What if you actually betted on yourself?

And I did!

I took the job.

I took the nervous stomach, the negative what ifs, the nauseous emotions of guilt, shame, dread, and unworthiness and told them all they were no longer going to make my decision for me.

I wanted this job, and they could come along… but they would not stop me from moving towards something I wanted.

I honored how I felt, by not fixing myself. But by living and being and doing.

I honored myself by choosing myself, beyond how unfamiliar it felt.

There is a reason I haven’t worked outside the home in sixteen years… it’s because I didn’t know who I was, or what I wanted, or that I was even worthy of doing… of wanting… more. I don’t blame myself for not choosing to work out of the home sooner. I wasn’t ready. I was already taking on too much, and didn’t have the capacity to take on more, like a job.

All of the healing work I have done this past year has helped me to build the capacity to take on more, like an out of the home paid job. I was not less than, and I am not more than now. I was, and am, a mom… a woman… who is healing. Who is experiencing thriving for the first time in years, and now willing to choose myself. To bet on myself. And to experience all that I can offer myself.

Because I am worthy of all of it.

I wish I could leave you with some quick tips on how to get to this point, if you also struggle. But these healing journeys are unique to each of us… and the only way through them, is to really acknowledge your own worth. And sometimes, that comes from having someone listen and validate your experiences and feelings. Please reach out to me if you ever want to be heard, and share your story. I’d love to have a cup of tea with you.