Holding Space for Yourself

I often use, and see, what are slowly becoming the buzz words of holding space. And yet, I realize that neither I nor others have really explained what this means.

Simply put, holding space is a way of saying, “I see you, I hear you, you are not alone. I cannot take away the pain, or fix anything. In fact, I want to accept you as you are at this moment.”

Holding space is judgment free. Empathetic. Curious.

Let’s use an extreme example: A friend drops a big pile of shit in our lap. Maybe about losing a family member, a medical diagnosis, something about work, or a devastating experience her kid had. Our first reaction is usually mental panic - how can we fix this, what can we say to ease her pain, how do I get out of this uncomfortable situation.

Most commonly, we react in two ways:

1) We deflect to ease the discomfort: say an off putting joke, “If only we could go back to being teenagers when life was easier!”, make a vague comment like, “Yea that sucks”, try to look for a silver lining, and sometimes ask more questions in a way to get more information, “When did this happen? What did they say? What are you going to do now? What did so and so say about it?”

2) We mentally put ourselves off to the side and show up: “I am so sorry you have to go through that. What are you feeling right now? I would feel that way too. What are you most worried about?”

It’s my natural instinct to react in a deflection manner because I never learned how to sit with discomfort of my own, or others. My people pleasing, need to help others, tendencies still come to the initial aid when I’m presented with a friend's hardship. But I’m teaching myself to hold space, and it’s becoming my new natural reaction more often.

In my experience, I have only witnessed someone holding space for me, because they have learned how to hold space for themselves first. I myself have never truly held space for others, until I first learned how to hold it for myself. Sure I was able to be empathetic, especially when their experiences were similar to my own. But my mindset was always from the, “Let me help you take this pain away, how can I do that.”

Truly holding space for someone, comes into every aspect of life, not just the extremes. When they vent about their day, when they complain about a situation, when they are elated from something unexpected… These micro moments are opportunities to practice holding space for that person: allow them to feel how they feel, and be ok with it. Even go a step further and recognize your own reaction, and get curious why you have that reaction.

But I would like to take this all even deeper… holding space for ourselves. I don’t know why this is harder… or maybe I mean more messy. I think it’s because it requires us to take more of an interest in ourselves; and that can feel so icky when most of us feel like that’s selfish.

Holding space for ourselves comes in different layers. The first layer being a more physical action, where we make time in our day or week for ourselves. That can be any form of self care, or hobby, or interest. And even though it’s hard for most of us to know what those things are, I believe one way to figure that out, is to in fact make time (hold space) to try new things, to find what it is you like and what it is that brings you joy and some relief from the day to day of life.

Another layer of holding space for ourselves, that gets overlooked, that happens to be where I wrapped myself in a blanket and tell everyone to join me, is in the emotional layer of holding space. Even I cringe a little at the mention of that.

I cringe because it feels like “Who has time for that?!” It feels like I’m already overwhelmed and now asking myself to dig a trench of emotions so wide I don’t know where to begin - the work ahead already feeling overwhelmed.

So let’s break this down smaller….

I make a yummy homemade dinner for my family and they complain about it. It’s dry and overcooked, there’s no flavor, we already had this meal last week… you know, any of the usual complaints. I react hurt, naturally….

Because I made something special, and it was rejected.

Because they are not grateful for the time I spent to make the food.

This is where my mind goes from here:

Why did you make something special?

Because I love them and wanted to take care of them in that way.

Were you expecting a different reaction?

Yes. I was expecting joy and gratitude.

Is it possible for them to not like something that you like?

Yes. We all have different experiences, causing different emotions.

So what are you really feeling right now? What's underneath?

I mostly feel rejected.

And what’s underneath that rejection?

A need to be accepted. I want WOWS every time I cook because it makes me feel like I’m doing my job correctly. And when I do my job correctly, I am worth the praise.

So you believe that in order to be worthy of praise, you have to meet an expectation that either you or someone else has set?

Yes.

Do you believe you will fail to meet those expectations sometimes?

Yes, but I try really hard not to.

Are you perfect?

No way!

Then why are you expecting yourself to always be perfect?

Because I have to be perfect, to be worthy. I have to do something worth the praise.

So your worth is tied to meeting an unrealistic expectation?

Ummmm…..

And that is my starting point… realizing that my worth is tied to what I do, or do not do, for my family. That my worth is dependent on my family's approval. From here, I will continue to journal about this. When this first showed up for me, what other areas this plays into, ask further questions like why do I have to do something worth praise to feel worthy and what part of me is seeking that praise. I hold space for these feelings and revelations by making the time to show up in my journal, by adding another twenty minutes during errands so I can sit in my car and think about it, by canceling plans so I can stay home and clean in a quiet house to think it through.

And just a side note… this is why mothers need time alone. Spaces where they can think of themselves. Space for hobbies and interests, dinner dates with friends, quiet moments in the car or bathtub to process how they feel, what they think… space to hold themselves, time for others to hold space for them.

What I realize now, after working through that need for my family's acceptance of my food, is that my family will approve, or disapprove, based on their own lived experience. They have different taste buds, depending on the day they may just feel off and food is no comfort, maybe food complaints are their opening line to understanding what is really going on underneath it all for them.

And now that I have HELD SPACE for myself to work through this feeling and understand the root of it, I mostly don’t give a shit how they feel about my food. Because it’s no longer tied to my worth.

AND I can now take it even further by holding space for them, “Is it really the food you hate, or did something happen today that’s making you feel disinterested in food?” “Are you physically feeling ok, maybe run down, and this meal doesn’t feel nourishing; maybe you need something lighter?” “You are complaining a lot… what’s really going on?”

Guess what? Most of the time, it’s not even my food. They are complaining because they are overstimulated or tired or hungry and honestly, kids just complain. They are learning. They need space to do that. And if it’s my food, that’s ok. Because now, I could care less about their approval of my food. It’s food, I’ll eat it, and they have a choice to find something else and cook for themselves.

I know I used cooking for my family as an example… it seemed the easiest, and most universal, one to explain. But I’d like to close this out with some other examples of narratives that I have dealt with, and most likely you have to. My hope is that it sparks a thought in you to dig a little deeper and get curious about what is really underneath. To hold space for that feeling and ultimately, hold space for yourself.

What’s underneath when you feel:

• Angered that someone cut you off in traffic? Are you running late, maybe not late, just annoyed that nothing is going right today, maybe feeling like your environment is against you. What’s underneath: exhaustion? Rejection? Sadness?

• Overwhelmed with your to do list? Did you put too much on the list for the actual time you have? Maybe you need rest but you're pushing through - why? How would it feel to hold space for what you actually need? If you feel like you don’t have the time, look at what you are doing with your time.

• Yelling at everyone at dinner time? Why… Have you asked for help only to be met with complaints or ignored? Are you hungry and/or overworked causing fatigue while you need to push through? What did or didn’t happen today that is causing you this evening irritation?

Remember, holding space for yourself is judgment free, empathetic, curious.

Example: Ugh that’s so annoying when people cut you off in traffic. Why is this so annoying right now… it’s just traffic… I feel like I have tons of things to do today and this cut off is delaying me from doing them quicker. Because I want to get back home and put my feet up to rest. Hmmm sleep sounds nice. Wish I wasn't busy today so I could take a nap. I wonder, could I switch some of these errands today to give myself time at home to nap… can I take a day off this week to rest more… can I go to bed earlier or sleep in this week, because clearly I need more sleep. I want more sleep!