Welcoming the Weight of Life

Do you mind if I go at this blog post a little differently? There’s just something I want to discuss… some thoughts and perceptions, more questions than normal, try to talk about something as an overview instead of a deep dive book… it will ebb and be a little less flow…

Why is there such a struggle to be a mom, a woman?

I see all these well natured memes and jokes and sort of a “laugh so you don’t cry” attitude around all the things we mom’s juggle… laundry, schooling, appointments, keeping everyone fed, our own friendships, time to ourselves, grocery shopping, and like literally EVERYTHING. And I don’t want to negate that we actually do it all.

But also, I just see now how that’s the actual problem… WE DO IT ALL!

Why?

Like seriously… Why do we do it all?

Please take a pause here… actually answer the question if you can.

I’ll start, maybe it will help you if you’re stuck to answer:

I do it all because it was ingrained into me as a child to sacrifice what was needed for the sake of the kids and the family as a whole.

I do it all because the media and the world portray this idea that to be a good mom, I have to sacrifice and stay home and do all the things.

I do it all because I have to show my worth by how much I do.

I do it all because I have to show how much I care by how much I sacrifice.

I do it all because I didn’t know there was another way. Because I didn’t know I had a say in anything. Because I didn’t realize there was more to being a woman.

I once believed to feel fulfilled, I did in fact have to do it all. And more than that, I wanted it more than anything else in the whole world. I wanted to get married, have children, and stay home to care for them while I took care of the house. It was by far the biggest dream I’ve ever had.. I cried over it, prayed over it, I let it consume my thoughts. How I would parent, how I would be a good wife and homemaker, the white picket fence around the garden and the animals and homestead that would nourish our bodies. I was raised to work hard, so this lifestyle I so desperately dreamed of seemed easily achievable.

And I got it! It was harder and lonelier than I envisioned, but it didn’t matter, because I was doing what I dreamed of. I didn’t get the white picket fence or the animals, but I found ways to build community with the local farmers to supplement what I needed. We learned how to forage. We became resourceful. We became educated on how to make things from scratch. For a minute, I had everything I could have ever wanted…

And then I wrote this in my journal in 2019: “I love this life. It’s exactly what I want and brings me so much joy. But gosh, it’s hard. I struggle and feel overwhelmed often. I’m lonely and always feeling behind. The things I want feel unattainable right now in this chaos. And I feel bad for wanting something different. I feel bad for complaining about this life I once begged to have. Why do I feel like I’m drowning? Is it wrong to want more out of my life? Is it ok to want more joy and less struggle? Is this all there is to life… because I don’t like it. I want something different for myself. I hate feeling so on edge all the time and exploding my emotions on the kids. Is there a different way?

Since that journal excerpt, I began to be more aware of my surroundings. How I felt during different parts of the day, what I didn’t speak up about, why I was angry or resentful, why I wanted to cry when someone said something hurtful. I began to question everything. Like literally, I began to question myself and my actions, others and what they said and did, this life path I was headed down, who I even was and what that meant to others, and myself. And I began to wonder, was it possible to have joy instead of guilt when leaving the kids home, could I say no and be respected for it, could I do things for myself and not feel selfish, could I be considered a good mom and wife even if I didn’t cross all the t’s and dot all the i’s that I had been doing for years…

I didn’t want to feel tense all the time.

I didn’t want to feel exhausted all the time.

I didn’t want to keep carrying shame like a blanket around my shoulders every day.

I was tired of crying myself to sleep, willing myself to do better.

I was fed up with finding excuses to say no.

I was overwhelmed with being at rock bottom, and wanted a change.

And so, in 2022, I changed. Or more accurately, someone took my hand and showed me my worth, and I hugged myself and now I’ve got my own back.

I’ve been discovering the parts of me that have been neglected since I became a mom seventeen years ago. I’m currently working on getting out of isolation mode, and venturing out to find friends and make connections. I’m in the emotional phase of teenagers, showing up in the best way I can to be their mother and support system.

But let’s break this down…because that sounds all magical and perfect, that someone helped me out of rock bottom and abracadabra I’m a new person.

It’s nothing like that. I have days, even weeks, of hardship where I check out and ignore my to-do list, cancel meetups, and use what energy I do have to just survive. There are also a handful of times during the month where I feel some sort of dark shadow over my mind, or my energy is lacking to keep up, or just a big middle finger to the whole process of living.

I also feel like I’m struggling to keep up in everything that I want to do, trading chores for self care. Trading my hobbies for an interest in what the kids want to do. Should do this, should do that comes up often.

My brain power these days is taken up by how I’m taking care of myself. I’m constantly thinking of my nutrition, movement, water intake and getting enough sleep. Micromanaging how I feel and using that to adjust what I need. And because of that, I often deal with feelings of selfishness… something I have overcome, but still get the feeling and have to support myself through it.

I often wonder about how I come across as a friend.

I’m thinking about my husband's needs and ways I can support him.

And then it’s the kids… and the home…

There is still a weight of life that comes upon me, despite having come so far in my healing journey, and even having a box of tools to help me through it.

These days, my questions are more like:

Is it possible to enjoy the struggle of this life?

Is it possible to get friendly with and appreciate the hardship?

Can the weight of life be, welcomed?

Is it possible to feel personally fulfilled, while also doing this work of raising kids, building relationships, and self healing, and have none of it feel like a weight; despite that it is in fact, a weight?

Today, I can truthfully and wholeheartedly say, from my personal experience, YES!

Yes we can enjoy the struggle of life and appreciate the hardship. We can welcome the weight this life gives us, and feel personally fulfilled enough to not let that weight feel heavy, and drown us.

Here’s the difference… the abracadabra…

I now have inner peace, knowing it will not be perfect. There is peace in knowing there is not an end goal of total euphoria to reach. I have an inner compass, with a true heading of north, and I keep my eyes and heart on that through all the highs and lows. It constantly brings me back to the foundation of who I am, why I’m here, my purpose, my goal, where I’m headed.

Do I feel the weight of it all… sometimes, yes. But again, I know it’s not long lasting. I know the weight itself does not have to feel heavy all.of.the.time! 

So how? How does someone get to this point to experience such inner peace, a true north heading, the weight being less prominent, getting out of constant survival…

The brave and radical act of self nurturing.

Self nurturance "Involves feelings, attitudes, behaviors, and substances that stimulate, foster, support life and growth" of self (Nemcek, 1987). Self nurturance includes nurturing five aspects of the self: • Physical. • Intellectual. • Social. • Emotional. • Spiritual. Nurturant individuals create an inviting, comforting environment for themselves, which increases their sense of well being and development (Seal, 1995). Central to self nurturance is the ability to derive pleasure from positive experiences and to cope effectively with negative ones (Lehman, 1989).

This means YOU get to decide what does and doesn’t work for you.

It means you get to dig really deep and cultivate the mud of what it is you really think, feel, want, and experience.

You get to unearth rare gems of your being.

You get to create the life you want ahead of you.

You can experience a fulfilling life, despite the weight of it.

And I hope you can give that gift to yourself.

All my love and support to you.