Motherhood: Shame and Guilt Included

Why does motherhood come with a side of guilt that I didn't ask for!? It wasn't in the fine print, it wasn't recommended, I paid extra for it and don't even like it!! Who even suggested it should be added?!

I tell myself all mother's experience guilt, as an attempt to not feel so alone. As a way to shield myself from having to show what really happens beyond social media, and conversations that "tell all" over coffee dates.

I don't seek to show my life's highlight reel... I just avoid these uncomfortable parts:

I feel guilty for giving my kids foods that the world has labeled unhealthy. As toddlers, it was boxed mac and cheese and hot dogs. Now, it's frozen pizza bites and Eggos.

I feel guilty for never teaching Jamie how to ride a bike past training wheels.

I feel guilty for not forcing my son to wear his glasses constantly when he was three years old.

I feel guilty for always separating them when they would argue, instead of teaching them how to work through the conflict.

I feel guilty for wishing they would grow up faster, because I was exhausted and not meeting my own needs.

I feel guilty for ignoring their needs while I was busy building our houses. I wanted them to be independent sooner than they were capable.

I feel guilty for not advocating for them more often. Guilt for giving up too easily.

I feel guilt for not breastfeeding longer.

I feel guilt for not making them do more chores around the house, not having a solid bedtime, and not having rules with electronics.

I feel guilty they have no friends.

Years ago, I learned a valuable lesson from Brene Brown that helped me to move through my guilt, "Shame cannot survive being spoken out loud." If you have heard this, then you most likely know Brene's point of view between shame and guilt. But I had to do my own research to make it more personal to what I experienced.

Guilt, defined by Google, is "committing an offense or crime; having done wrong or failed an obligation".

This didn't seem to resonate deeply, because I didn't feel like I was committing an offense. So I dove deeper into shame.

Shame is defined as "a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior."

That stung.

I don't actually FEEL guilt... I feel shame, for the guilty action.

I feel humiliated and afflicted because I failed my obligation.

Shame is a hard place for me to be. I feel worthless, self loathing comes around in waves, and I blame myself.

Sometimes my inner critic holds onto the shame and won't let it go. But eventually, I get tired of the heaviness, and I explore: why I feel that way, where it came from, when did it start, how has it affected me, how can I change it so that it helps me and no longer causes me pain. I get honest with myself. I gain clarity in what I am feeling, and why.

When I let my kids eat pizza bites or chicken strips for the second time in a week, that is not an offense or crime, I didn't do wrong or fail. I fed my kids foods. By the guilt definition, I had an obligation to feed my child, and I did it. What I feel is shame... being embarrassed that my kids ate (what media calls) junk food instead of a balanced, healthy, homecooked meal.

The feeling of shame followed me from my childhood into young adulthood and being a mother. When I felt like I couldn't do my best, I also felt shame for not fulfilling an obligation, and would opt for something easier. An easier dinner like take out or casseroles, not pushing harder in some areas of training kids, neglecting my needs, finding ways to control situations. I became survival mode.

I subconsciously looked for what felt like 'easier solutions' as a way to cope with the weight of shame and guilt. It affected me in ways that are, quiet honestly, hard to explain in detail.

Shame and guilt had made motherhood a burden.

I didn't like how it felt. I began to question, did I do this to myself?

I started to identify that I feel shame, during an action of guilt, and that the feeling was self induced from my own unmet expectation (rules I had set up for my family). I had taken suggestions from friends and the media to heart, and made them my own. I wasn't confident in myself, I didn't trust myself enough, to stand alone in my beliefs for my family.

When I would suggest Starbucks for meeting up with a friend, and receive a thumbs down frowny face from my friend, because it wasn't a local shop, I took that to heart and carried the shame of supporting Starbucks. Instead of facing the shame, I took her opinion as judgment and changed who I supported.

When I showed a friend a recipe I made, with some adjustments that required a little more work, she rolled her eyes and giggled "of course you added more work to make them better." I took that shame of 'being too much' and tucked it away with the others.

And on and on it went.

And then, I just decided I didn't want it anymore. I didn't like how it felt. I wanted to change. I just wanted a break from the judgement and weight of my own expectations. I worked through most of it, in my own time. I would identify the feeling of shame, or point out my action of guilt and get real close to it.

"Why do you feel guilty?"

Because kids should eat healthy... brush their teeth every night... not have to take care of themselves....

"Says who?"

Well, it's just known science about food and teeth... and I'm not fulfilling my obligation as their parent.

"So adjust your obligation. Your obligation is to take care of your kids in any way you see fit, to ensure their safety, and make sure they are loved. To make sure they feel seen and heard and supported."

When I felt guilty about food, I reminded myself that I was providing food. Period. What type of food that was, really wasn't anyone's business. How we eat, wasn't up for debate with others. How we cook, and who cooks it, is what works best for our family.

I relieved myself from the past guilt of not teaching Jamie how to ride a bike. It's not something really needed these days. And if she ever wants to learn, it will be on her terms as something new to pursue. But right now, I can focus on teaching her the love of trying new things, how to keep going when things are hard, and view failure as learning in progress.

I went through each file of shame, got real close and personal, and relieved myself of it's burden.

These days, guilt doesn't really have a home to live in anymore. I can identify why I feel the shame... why I think my action is causing guilt. And most of the time, I'm like "yea, I see you. You can hang out if you want, but I'm not letting you take residence or providing any comforts. So maybe just move on to something better."

In my experience, guilt is not living up to my own, or someone else's standard. I feel uncomfortable with the shame, and work harder to fill obligations, so as not to feel guilt and shame again.

By identifying WHERE the guilt is coming from, and reframing the judgement with facts, I gain freedom from the guilt. That freedom allows more love and grace for myself.