Moving Forward

I don't know how to move forward, going from rock bottom to mountain top in a short time. I have tools, ideas, some help, direction. But in a general sense, I don't know how it looks day to day to keep moving forward.

People boast inspirational tag lines like, "keep going!" and "you can do this!". I rarely hear people share their story of the work they are doing that keeps them going from one day to the next. How do people "keep going" when they feel like they can't do this.

I write because it helps me process what I am experiencing. It's a tool I can look back on to remind myself where I was, how I felt, and how I managed my way through. But my work of moving forward is hard to write about; the words themselves are hard to find. It feels messy and discombobulated. At times, it feels a little fake, like I'm an imposter. That feeling leaves me blank, and I can't write. The feeling of not being able to write, leaves me feeling disconnected within myself.

So this amazing feeling of being on the mountain top of moving forward in life, is diminished, by the feeling of not knowing what it looks like to stay up there. Or rather, how to keep the mountain top at least within view.... how to keep moving forward.

I know healing and moving forward is not linear. I know hard days will come and I know moving forward requires some constant realignment of my goals.

I didn't know that moving forward also meant that hard days could also be hard weeks. Where the non linear line of healing could be a tangled knot, making it really hard to see my goals. Being in that mess recently, some old patterns bombard me. I had doubts of the breakthroughs I achieved months ago. I felt failure trying to creep in and make me throw my hands up in surrender.

I spent a whole week in overwhelm mode, my deep breathing tools not working. I didn't have the compacity within that overwhelm, to sit still with how I felt and figure out what I needed. I rode the wave of old patterns. Muddling through my days. I opted for social media zone outs, instead of thoughtful writing. I didn't think about how my food was nourishing me. I kept adding to my to do list, only to cross it out the next day because it was too overwhelming to even think about doing it. The feelings from my 'rock bottom' phase teased me.

The week after, was a little less heavy, and I felt like I could start breathing again. I was able to sit still a few times and just let it all be. I just was like, "yes I see you. Not really sure what to do. It's a feeling and allowed to be here." At the end of that second week, this immense feeling of 'leave me alone' came on, and I hibernated in front of the TV all weekend. When my husband tried to hold my hand, I told him not to touch me, I was tapped out. Which was really really really hard to say, I felt like I was being mean. But my body was tingling and cringing and just at odds with itself and I had to manage some state of mental calm.

By the start of the third week, it all shifted. It felt like I was coming out of a hangover, like the fog was lifting and I could see a little further ahead. Slowly, my 'moving forward' habits began to fall back into place. It wasn't forceful, it was like hugging someone you haven't seen in a while. Each day, I felt myself getting stronger and looking ahead with excitement again.

I tried to figure out how this blip of "going backwards" started. What brought it on. What could I do different next time. Could I have triggered this in some way. Could I have stepped out of it sooner, had I been better prepared.

And the answer is no. It just happened. Like maybe it does for most people. I wouldn't know. But I do know that part of moving forward, is to let some things go. To acknowledge the feeling, accept the process, and know that I am not the problem. Just like a feeling of anger or sadness or guilt, comes and goes, so does these moments of the journey forward.

Through this process, I did gain this awareness of being more intentional with my words. What I read, what I say to myself, and what words I share with others, have all been refined. I have this desire to slow down and think about the words. Within that slower pace, I found the words to what I am experiencing.

While doing the work to heal, I feel vulnerable, exposed, and completely unsafe in the new healthier pattern. For example: I was someone who would ignore myself, to please others, in hopes that they would take care of me in return. When I break that pattern, by taking care of myself first, it feels like my skin has been peeled from my body... I am my most vulnerable and raw self.

And within that exposure of myself, there is doubt. Maybe that doubt is the source of a few hard weeks... the side affect of a vulnerable hangover.

Why do it then? Why keep going, and not sink back into the safety of old patterns.

Because there is this coexisting feeling of loving where I am now, and wanting more for myself. I want more joy, more inner peace, a life of abundance because I feel worthy of it. The difference between now and rock bottom is, I've got my own back now. I don't need to wait for others to validate me, take care of me, or stand up for me. I can move through this healing, because I am safe within myself. I validate myself. I take care of myself. I stand up for myself.