Nurturing Friendships
Friendships with girls have always been hard for me. Growing up, I was one of the boys… they were just easier and less dramatic to hang around. Boys knew how to have fun, keep it light, get dirty, and not worry about much else than being in the moment with your pals. And as a child and young teenager, these were the things that interested me. I did have a couple girlfriends, with similar interests, but the vibe was always different compared to hanging with the boys. And so, from ages five to like twenty, I hung out with the boys and occasionally had one or two gal pals, and just dealt with feeling sort of like an outcast; boys didn’t understand girl stuff, and girls didn’t understand me.
By the time I was in my early twenties, newly married and a mother, I thought friendships would be easier, having a common ground of parenthood. But it seemed only harder to make and keep friends. There was this constant sort of push and pull with every woman I tried to be friends with. I realize now, the problem was I didn’t really know how friendships were supposed to go. I was taught to be kind to my friends, give and help, and be respectful… pretty much the way you treat any living human being. But beyond that, I didn’t understand… I did what I grew up seeing and I did what I read in Cosmopolitan magazine.
When my girlfriends would cancel a meetup over and over, I would stop asking to meet up. When they couldn’t call back or answer a text fairly quickly, I would start to ghost them. When I was vulnerable with a friend and they couldn’t respond in a way that I felt met that need, I felt ignored.
At that time, I wanted someone I could confide in… someone I could complain to, and she would understand with empathy and support by being upset with me. I wanted a friend who would be honest and tell me the outfit I chose looked bad on me. And more than anything, I wanted someone to just notice me; to acknowledge in fact how hard motherhood was and offer me some grace, a safe space, and some understanding with everything I was trying to manage, on top of processing who I was in this new phase.
I had friends that would meet some of my needs, but none of them had the whole pie. We would be great for a while, and then somewhere along the way I would just feel like the friendship had run its course. But it wasn’t a completely lonely experience or life… I had amazing women who taught me so much about myself, about girlfriends. I learned what I did and didn’t need in friends, what I liked and didn’t like about how I treated them, what really mattered, and what didn’t. Over time, I was able to sort of develop who I was by being what I needed them to be for me… it sunk me into this deeper understanding of who I was at my core. Age and maturity sure has a way of finding the skin we’re comfortable in. A sort of coming home to ourselves.
I feel now that I’m sort of on the other side... Or at least I hope I am.
I can look back over my friendships and see some of the biggest errors that separated us and made it impossible to develop our relationship further:
I was too judgemental of them, and myself. Thinking that friendships had to be one way or the other to in fact be called a friendship, kept me in constant judge mode.
I didn’t understand boundaries, and had none, and crossed their boundaries often. There were friendship qualities that I just didn’t develop, know about, until recently.
I had no idea who I really was. Lacked confidence, self awareness, emotional regulating, believed stories about myself that were never really mine, and carried a massive weight of shame.
Now that I can see all of this, and have gone through massive change, personal development, and healing, does this mean that I have a ton of girlfriends now and everything is amazing?! No... I wish. It has definitely been easier, way more fun, much clearer and less work to make and keep friends.
In the past, after being vulnerable with a friend, and then feeling ignored, I would choose my words/time/investment in that person. My mind would say, “I want to share this with you, but last time you didn’t meet me there, so I’m going to just keep myself safe this time.”
I now know, this is a legitimate coping mechanism within my body, that keeps me safe. I also know that choosing to be vulnerable with someone will come with some sort of discomfort, and if they don’t respond in a way that I need, it is not always their fault. They are responding from a capacity that they have at that moment… it doesn’t mean that is who they are all together. It just means at that time, they couldn’t give. And it also makes me reflect, was I clear in what I needed from them.
I’ll be honest… some people do not make me feel safe in their presence to share emotional vulnerability. And that doesn’t bother me, because that’s just who they are and I accept that about them. But I also don’t push that person/friendship, by continuing to be vulnerable, hoping they will change.
I used to want complete honesty… tell me my outfit looks bad, that I’m being a brat, that you don’t like my hobbies, and when I talk too much.
This is such a vast topic… and all I can say is, really understand who you are, so you can get clear on what honesty means to you.
For me, don’t tell me my outfit looks bad. It’s my style, my choice, I wear what I want and don’t value anyones opinion but my husbands, and occasionally my daughters. Because of this, I don’t even recognize what others are wearing unless it stands out as something I love and want myself. Outfits are a personal choice, and we all struggle with feeling inadequate, so why make someone feel worse by judging their clothing out loud when saying something.
You can tell me I’m being a brat, but just know, your delivery will probably dictate my reaction. If you’re rude, I’ll ignore you for a while as I stew over what you said, and probably ultimately come to the conclusion you were right. Because here’s the thing, I’m more mad at myself and need the time and space to process and work on changing that behavior. But if you tell me respectfully and kindly, I’ll still talk to you while my mind is over analyzing it and working on doing better.
I am no expert, and I still struggle to make and keep friends. But because I’m doing “the work” on myself, I’ve gained insight to my friendships as a whole. Sometimes, we will disappoint and disagree with each other. Sometimes, we won’t have the space, time, or capacity for each other's needs. We will mess up, fall short, overreact. We will trigger each other, and sometimes feel disconnected. We will have to speak up and say what we are feeling and actively work on figuring out how to come back together. We both hide parts of ourselves and struggle to really open up.
But, I also know it’s possible to maintain our connection, through any hurt. That several things can be true at once and we don’t always have to shut down, choosing one or the other.
I’m learning how to hold space for nuance.
So although as your friend I don’t always check in, or remember personal stories, and sometimes “go off the radar”, just know that it’s never about you, or us. That I’m just working my way through all of this, alongside you.
And those of you who have stuck around in the mess with me, THANK YOU. Truly, deeply, thank you for doing this friendship thing with me. For letting me be me, and loving me because of it. For honoring my boundaries, keeping up with my flow, checking on me, making time for me, holding safe space, and ultimately, your unwavering support.
