Becoming a Self Nurturer
When my kids were younger, under the age of six, I was like any other stay at home mom.... loved my kids endlessly, spent the days gardening and schooling and finding activities like hiking, the museum, road trips, and the library. We had indoor picnics during the winter with fort building, and washing our bikes and bonfires during the summer. My love was so immense it was an endless supply. I was in motherhood bliss. When opportunities like meeting a friend or taking a sewing class meant leaving the kids and husband for the evening, I said no. I missed them too much to leave and felt guilt for not being readily available. My kids went with me everywhere. Honestly, it was one of the happiest times of my entire life.
Over time, as they grew, and we moved to another town, something shifted. Unbeknownst to myself… it sort of crept in. Even now, I don’t fully know how or when it happened. Maybe it was the change in routine with my oldest starting elementary. Maybe it was simply the fact that raising kids is really hard, isolating work, and takes a toll on every parent. But somewhere along the way, I began to look forward to bedtime. It felt like the only part of the day where I could attempt to decompress and do something a little for myself, without kids interrupting. And naturally, when they wouldn’t fall asleep right away, I began to feel frustrated. I felt my time was being taken away from me. And that made me feel more guilt. Bedtimes became a battle, and then became a stressor.
After a while, the “bedtime battle” sort of crept into the day. When I didn’t get my evening time, I tried to make it happen during the day. This new found feeling of fatigue was not something I knew how to handle, and the only thing I could think of was that I needed a break. With a cell phone in hand, and an internet full of answers, I TRIED finding ways to care for myself. I took warm baths, read books, took a lunch date with a friend, got on a regular haircut routine, bought a new outfit (or a few), slowed down and enjoyed a warm cup of tea or a walk, and headed to the grocery store alone. Every time, it felt like an escape. And every time, the feeling of guilt would shame me - I should be more content, more grateful. I dealt with all of this for a few years, assuming this was motherhood. Highs and lows and managing self care. I just assumed I was the problem and needed to change my viewpoint, realign my mindset. And over time, that sort of made me lack happiness. That deep in my soul, joy.
And then one day, when my kids were around nine and six years old, I realized I was the only one who could make myself happy. If I wanted flowers, I needed to get them and not expect someone else to read my mind and get them for me. If I wanted a night off to eat in silence, then I needed to make that happen for myself. If I wanted to go mountain climbing, then I needed to be the one who made that happen. It was such an epiphany, I got a tattoo to mark the moment - another thing I had always wanted, and now finally decided it was me who was going to make it happen. When things got hard or mundane, I was able to turn it around by reminding myself that I had the choice to be happy - that I was in control of at least that. I could always find a silver lining.
But by the time my kids were eleven and eight years old, finding the silver lining became harder and harder. We had some major family shifts: moved back to my husband's hometown, the kids attended new schools, and my husband worked out of state. When life became chaotic, I naturally fell back into old habits that were familiar to me. The guilt and shame came back around as I pushed myself through “self care”, assuming the stressful life meant I needed more time to myself to decompress and realign my attitude.
This whole time of motherhood, from 2007 to 2020, I lived my life on a rollercoaster of highs and lows. That when things were low, it was because of me, whether that be my outlook, my attitude, or my lack of trying hard enough to self care. I knew no other way of life. I wasn’t taught differently, I didn’t see it lived differently by others. I assumed it was the unspoken part of motherhood, and we all struggled, and it was my cross to bear. At this same time, my role was the main caretaker of the home and family, while my husband's main role was the income. Because of my upbringing, and my personality, I took everything upon myself, by default. The finances and budget, food menu and shopping, kids activities and school functions, maintenance of the home and cars, all.of.it. Naturally, that led to some feelings of resentment. I felt like my husband didn't appreciate me and what I did, enough. I felt the kids were an endless pit of energy takers.
But in 2020, while we were building our last house, someone said something to me and I had another epiphany ... nothing in this life that I was experiencing was going to change, unless I changed it. The way others treated me, or I myself, would only change if I wanted it to. The highs and lows would keep happening, until I did something about it. I had to advocate for myself, otherwise I would stay the same, and my life would be the same as it had been.
And I did advocate for myself and change it! We (my husband and I) taught the kids basic self responsibility by: taking care of their own showering schedule, how to do their own laundry, how to look for food and feed themselves when hungry, and how to do the dishes every night. I also started taking more time for myself, realizing I couldn’t get rid of the mom guilt but didn’t want that to stop me from living my life. It felt so good to have the family take off some of the burden I had placed on myself. I wasn't micromanaging anymore, and I definitely felt good stepping up for myself. I still had highs and lows, and used journaling to work my way through it. I sometimes experienced joy, and looked for the little glimmers in my day to keep me grateful and looking ahead.
And then… life happened again… and I slipped into old habits of self blame, and without knowing it, I sunk into a deep pit.
By 2022, I was at rock bottom.
A place lower than I’ve experienced before.
I was in that space for about seven months, struggling, shame engulfing me.
And then, someone I knew from IG reached out and said she was getting her holistic coaching license and wanted to know if I would like to work with her, pro bono, for 3 months. And I accepted it! (Details on that story HERE)
Yes the coaching helped me, and I will forever be an advocate for all of us getting the help we feel we need. I still call my coach from time to time, and will forever be in awe of her work with me. But, beyond all of that… What my coach gave me was the experience of what a healthy, supportive, respectful relationship looks like. What that could look like for the relationship with myself!! Her questioning helped me dive deeper into myself, and she reflected back who I truly was in my heart. She helped me see myself for who I truly was, and how to accept all parts, while wanting more and developing myself in a way that was supportive.
This healing made me realize that after all those years of highs and lows, and the epiphanies of my own happiness and advocacy, the reasons they didn’t last long term was because I didn't know how to show up for myself. I didn’t know how to keep doing what I needed for myself, while also feeling the guilt of being gone from the family.
I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t trust that I was doing my best, and sought recognition that never came.
I didn’t know my worth. My worth was tied to attitude and outlook, and if that was crap, then I didn’t deserve anything else. I was on the hamster wheel of doing more, for more worth.
I didn't know what I needed... I didn't know what I wanted!! And I sought it from outside sources, because again, I didn’t trust myself to know what I needed.
But by being nurtured from someone who is trained to do that, I learned how to nurture myself. I got to experience what self nurturing really was, with guidance and safety and trial and error.
And it completely transformed my life.
It wasn't about the self care I was doing in my young mom days, or being the only one who can make myself happy.
It was about completely knowing all the parts of who I am and accepting each little drop of me.
It was about learning how to show up, even in the lows.
It was about trusting myself, even when I fail.
It was about getting to know shame and guilt, and releasing them so they wouldn’t be the shackles to my life moving forward.
It was about seeing my worth and realizing that no matter what happened in my life, I was still a person who had worth.
For the past two years now, my kids at seventeen and fourteen, I have been living my life, mostly on the high. Yes, my oldest can drive and both kids can care for themselves more than the early days of motherhood, leaving my time more free. However, the weight of motherhood does not leave as kids get older. It merely shifts to another part of who we are, and these days, I find my emotional state more burdensome than previous years. But because I took the offered help a couple years ago, I am more aware of several things I didn’t have access to before. Such as: I can experience a low and not have it diminish my worth. I can have my kids need a lot from me, and tell them no, while also helping them manage how they feel and either problem solve or seek other forms of help. I can feel my feelings during chaos, and regulate myself to not treat others poorly. I can do something away from the family, and not feel guilty about it and have it diminish my worth, or make them feel like I don’t care.
Self nurturing goes beyond the self care of haircut appointments, buying myself flowers, and saying no even when I feel guilty about it.
Self nurturing is about getting to know myself better. It answers questions that go unanswered: Who am I? What do I like? Why do I always feel overwhelmed?
When I am fully nurtured, my deepest core can go without the “self care”, be thrown into chaos, and feel utterly exhausted and still truly believe that it will pass. There’s this rhythm of stumbling, but getting up and looking ahead… this deep desire to keep witnessing myself do this thing called life. There is an immense amount of self trust. A comfort that no matter what I experience, none of it will change who I really am at my core.
And for now, this has become my calling in life. To witness and support others on their journey of discovering what self nurturing can do for them. (Thank you for being here for mine.)
