Radical Acceptance

With the state of the world right now, it seemed fitting to talk about radical acceptance. And when I did a poll on Instagram, where a friend suggested this topic, I couldn’t help but leap out of my chair and get this blog written.

I feel like being a part of social media gives me SOME first hand insight to the ebb and flow of how people react, and how they feel, by what happens out of their personal control.

Although I wouldn’t call myself an expert with radical acceptance, I would definitely say I am fully experienced.

I have lived most of my forty years, as someone who reacts to, and responds to, the environment around me. We all do, we’re human beings who seek comfort from the chaos, the hardship, the uncomfortable. Most of us were not taught, not shown, how to manage our emotions; how to support ourselves; how to work through those environmental triggers.

As mothers, our environment is anything but calm. Even on our best days, there is a silent worry in the back of our minds. On our worst days, we have experienced another level of exhaustion pushing us further into the abyss.

ALL of these emotions, these feelings, and the environment out of our control - weighs on us… never ending.

BUT, it is possible to change it… To accept the feeling of despair and overwhelm as a feeling, and not as who we are. To change the belief in ourselves, so our environment doesn’t hold so much power over us. To accept our emotions as a barometer to what our body is experiencing, and not a rulebook on how we must react.

I’ve done it… that the things out of my control do not have to control me.

Sure we can have empathy; we can deeply feel the energy in our surroundings. We can even take on that energy as our own… but we do not have to succumb to it. We can manage the feeling and we can experience it, but we do not have to make it our own.

I’d like to give an example:

Long story short: I was homeschooling my son, who was fifteen at the time, and getting him to wake up and do any work was near impossible. There were some classes I needed to sit with him and teach, and I had a time frame of when I was available. On the rare occasion he did show up, his attitude was anything but fun. He was tired, impatient, and annoyed before the lesson would even start. We butted heads often, and I began to also feel tired, impatient and annoyed that my time was being wasted and he really wasn’t learning anything.

An angel friend sent me a podcast one day stating she was thinking of me, and it changed my whole perspective. I zoomed out and realized my son, at fifteen, was capable of doing the work, had the time, and had the ability to execute it all… he was just making the choice to procrastinate, complain, and push the limits. HE was making a choice, and I was allowing that choice to affect me.

So instead of trying to get him to change, causing our relationship to become strained, I had to accept who he was; and I had to get really honest with myself. Once that was clear, I was able to present my son with more independence and accountability. I told him HE had the choice…. This is the work to do to finish ninth grade. He could take as long as he wanted, years even, but it was no longer on me. HE had the choice to work as much or as little, on weekends or evenings. I was available these days at these times and anything outside of that I would have to take under consideration with whatever else was going on.

I removed myself from the equation that him not meeting my expectations was cause for me to feel out of control and in chaos. I removed my expectations. I removed my emotional investment that his falling behind somehow reflected my own inability to teach my son, that his behavior reflected my parenting and therefore his actions meant I was either a good or bad mom.

It completely changed our relationship dynamic for the better.

He graduates (on time) this coming spring, with lots of interest in CyberSecurity. Now he fully grasps that “decisions have consequences”, how he plays a role in that, how to own his mistakes, and how to support his emotions through it all.

As a mom, I regularly have to LET GO of my emotions, ego, and expectations of the actions of my two teenage children. The choices they make no longer reflect on me as a person, or as their mom. They are now old enough to have self awareness, manage their own emotions, and deal with any consequences as a result of their decisions. My new position is to be available for healthy emotional support when they need it. I am here to listen, guide, and be a safe space. That is all. It is no longer my responsibility to soothe them, make their life easier with advice I want them to follow, or punish them.

It’s actually quite a lovely spot to be in.

By accepting who they are, and the things that I cannot change, it helps me live a more calm life and have the emotional availability for both them and I.

I cannot change who my son is… But I can accept who he is.

I cannot change the election results…. But I can accept them and then work on my reaction and emotions around them.

I cannot change the grumpy lady with road rage… But I can control my breathing and my own frustrations.

When I accept things out of my control, for what they are, without judging them, it allows me the emotional capacity to feel, and manage, my own reactions and feelings to the situation. It’s never about the actual situation, but about my attachment/expectation/feeling to the situation.

I’d like to leave you with some questions to ask yourself:

What can I control in this situation, and what is beyond my control?

Why am I afraid to release the grasp of control I so desperately need to have over every situation?

An action plan to put this into play so you can start to get curious about your own radical acceptance:

We have all experienced road rage - our own, or others - mostly because we are running late. Most of the time, something out of our control happens: fog/ice, someone cutting us off, or an accident or train stopping traffic… we get mad or irritated because something happened that we were not expecting, or planning for. This is normal human emotion and will never go away. HOWEVER, the part to notice is, how long does this emotion negatively impact you? Is the whole day ruined, does it put you in a funky foul mood? Can you navigate the emotion? Can you take it a step further and let the emotion be what it is, while you continue to feel capable to move forward calmly with your day?

For those who need to see it… TRY… PRACTICE… talking yourself through the situation and emotion:

“Dang fish sticks, why does everything have to go wrong today… deep breath gurl… you cannot control these surroundings. Deep breath… you are FEELING angry, but you do not have to become the anger. That sucks, yes. BUT, it is out of your control. What’s really going on… You’re running late? Ok, you are human, that happens. We’ll leave a little earlier tomorrow because I know you hate rushing. Deep breath… that sounds nice. Right now, I’d really love to let this go and have a moment where my mind and soul can feel chill because I don’t want to feel this crappy all day… deep breath… letting this go for twenty seconds and then revisiting to see if I’m ok now.”