Understanding What You Need

As like everyone else in the world, the start of a new year has us rethinking pretty much everything about our lives. Hoping for a better and more satisfying year, and how we can make that happen for ourselves.

This mindset comes from a place of feeling a sense of something lacking, usually within ourselves. It could be that we want to have a better fitness routine, but lack the perseverance to actually follow through. It could be we want to feel more calm and less chaos, and yet we continue to reduce our schedule only to feel more behind as the weeks drag on.

Can we just slow down?! Take a couple deep breaths. New year or not, we are still wanting more, needing something, and doing too much…

I don’t know about you, but I’m bored with that! It clearly doesn’t last if we are continually looking forward to a new year, the start of a new month, or even “come Monday.”

I think a massive blanket statement for everything would be that we want to feel good.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting this! It means we are aware of something in our lives, and want to change it. So naturally, like everyone else and the environment that profits from us wanting this feeling of good, we go searching for what it is we need.

Searching for what we need… another commendable thing we do!

But have you noticed that to some extent, you are still searching? Still feel like you are lacking in some way?

Well, here’s the little widely known secret I found for myself…

It’s because we are looking outside of ourselves to find something good. And honesty, sadly, we won’t ever be fully satisfied that way. I know from experience.

If you, at the very core of who you are, are not content, happy, and accepting of all parts of your being, THAT is where the feeling of lacking is coming from.

It’s not that you lack willpower for the habits you want to implement. It’s that somewhere deep inside, you have a personal story that is keeping you stuck in a loop.

Here’s a personal example: I’ve done all this inner work on myself, and finally have the desire and tools to implement an exercise routine of some sorts. But I constantly struggle to actually show up and practice making this a routine. Because I am attuned to my inner being, I am becoming deeper aware that the reason I struggle with this still, is because exercise feels like a punishment. My body has only ever known hard work, pushing through, and overextending. And right now, it feels tired, scared to do too much, and not super trusting of my mind that used to say mean things. (It’s like a trust fall into someone's arms, yet no one was ever there to catch me, and now I don’t trust the fall anymore.) Now that I know this, I can approach my exercise routine with way more love, by moving slowly, listening to my body over my mind, and even in the midst of movement, remind myself that I’m doing this because my body needed it and telling her, “This isn’t like before. You are in control now.”

And I know that sounds wonderful… I’m still amazed by these realizations.

But, you’re here (I hope) because you want to know how to even start. Where does one even begin to become self aware and understand what they need.

First, it’s pretty much in everything I write… You have to actually start thinking about yourself. Your desire for a life that is more nurturing and fulfilling, is through you knowing yourself thoroughly. Sadly, most people find it too hard, maybe too much pain to face alone… but I always felt like the pain that might come couldn’t be any worse than the pain I was feeling at rock bottom. So I deeply and lovingly ask you to keep reading my blog posts, answer the journal prompts, and start those internal conversations so you can chip away piece by piece to find parts of yourself that have been neglected.

Second, and maybe a little more simple of the steps, you have to provide yourself with experiences to determine what you do and do not like. This is not a way for you to find a hobby or a new routine. Look at it as playtime, where there is no right or wrong way, and there are no expectations. It’s just you, exploring. These experiences are things like taking a pottery class, or doing a paint night, visiting a new bookshop before hitting that favorite dive bar, or trying a new yoga class.

And third, while you are exploring these avenues of curiosity (and the piece that usually goes unnoticed for most) you need to NOTICE and be AWARE of how you are feeling before, during, and most importantly afterwards. This is your ultimate gauge to determine what it is you actually need.

Here’s an example of this in real time: I went to a pottery class, paint class, and ring workshop class all within a few months of each other. These were just interests of mine that I wanted to explore further. The common vibe I began to notice was that I always felt pressured to hurry because the time was limited (understandably). But what I was really looking for was fun and relaxation where I could be away from time constraints (I wanted to feel some freedom.) I was able to take it a step further and determine that I love group classes but prefer to go with a friend, I remove any and all expectations of how I think my work should be, and I pace my breath through the class. These experiences offer me everything I am needing at the time: connection, creating with my hands, play, and a change of scene from reality.

As a mom of toddlers, I didn’t realize how vital these types of experiences were for myself. Sure I was able to live vicariously through my children, but I do wish I would have taken the time for my own interest. Because without those moments to check in with myself, to explore some new interests or have dinner with a friend, my whole life became about the kids… which ultimately landed me in my late thirties not recognizing who I was anymore.

If you are concerned about wasted time, or money, I can assure you that no matter how bad of an experience you have, it’s not wasted… it’s clarity about what is worth your effort, and what is not. I once paid $75 for a paint class where the teacher was disorganized, a bit critical, and truly felt more tired once I left, throwing my canvas in the trash. This experience gave me the knowledge of how to look for a better paint class next time. The class gave me clarity that I wasn’t going to be Picaso anytime soon, so I needed to let go of expectations and just have fun with it. And this class was also where I knew from then on, I wanted to have a friend with me so there was strength in numbers should I ever need it.haha The personal information I gained from this class is invaluable.

While you explore what you truly need, I hope you are able to view each new experience as valuable feedback. I hope you make the time for yourself to think about what you are feeling, and how that feeling can lead you closer to the desires of your soul. Remember, there is no wrong way, there’s no one way, it’s all your way, and it’s pure magic because it’s yours.

All my love as you enter the New Year. xoxo