You and Me Both

This is my third draft. A constant questioning of, "Where are you going with this?!" I know what I want the ending to be, but I'm not sure how to get there. How to start the story, set the stage.

The basic bones of it is, I want you to know that I gave up on myself (without knowing I did), and what I'm doing about it now. I want you to know that I was "born and bred" to take care of a home and family, and what that looked like. How it brought shame and guilt for meeting my needs. How I neglected my needs, because I thought if I met everyone else's needs, I would feel less overwhelmed. I wanted to tell you about the time I realized I am in control of my own happiness, and how that lead to a journey of self love and self care. And that those phrases themselves caused me some personal damage and more hardships.

And I wanted it all to come together in a beautiful story of how and why I neglected my needs for so long. And that now on the other side of rock bottom, I can see a more clear view of the paths I've taken. I wanted to connect with where you might be right now... where I was for so long. That struggle to find and act on our needs, and how to do it when life itself seems overwhelming.

I just wanted you to know, that there is more to you than scheduling self care, meeting with friends, getting the house clean, making a menu plan, teaching kids to manage life, and showing kindness. There is so much more to us than what we view every day of our lives. And I wanted to remind you to not neglect the most important, and somewhat hardest, part of this whole life.... YOU.

I want to remind you that although the self care things you do are so very important, there is more. That when self care is neglected for a minute, you can still meet basic needs that often go overlooked. The ones I gave up on for so long.

The things our physical body needs to keep us functioning. Like food. I need food. If I don't eat, I will get brain fog, which makes my life harder. I can't think clear and making simple meals becomes overwhelming. My irritability gets higher. I'm intolerant. I don't listen. I bark discontent. So yes, I need to eat food consistently because I hate how I feel and act when I don't eat. I would rather gain weight from eating too much and feel mentally stable, than the alternative of what I have lived with. Still navigating some food/weight/body issues can make this hard sometimes... I focus on eating enough food in the day. Not what I eat, just that I in fact, do eat.

The other necessity is sleep. I loath going to bed... I would stay up all night if I didn't have responsibilities... honestly, I use to stay up late even with responsibilities. Drag myself around all the next day, brain fog setting in again. Headaches from straining my eyes to stay open. So I try harder now to get to bed by 10pm. Some nights I struggle to stay asleep, and I'm working on eating enough food, so as not to wake up hungry. I also know some days I didn't physically work hard enough and that plays into my body being restless. But there are also times that eight hours isn't enough. I try my best to make the next day a little easier, go to bed a little earlier to catch up. But no matter what, my bedtime routine is to go to bed. Period. GO TO BED!

Another that I know sounds silly... is breathing. I know, I know, breathing is literally the one thing keeping me alive. But stay with me... What I technically mean is, the actual act of taking some deep breaths, fully aware of what I am doing. Breathing deep triggers my brain, telling me my body isn't feeling safe. It's feeling misaligned, not taken care of, ignored, tense, and even scattered. My body is not able to keep up with my brain... my brain moving too fast for me to even process what comes next, leaving me in a constant state of defense; needing to be prepared for anything that comes up. Breathing with awareness is something I can do for myself to relax my tension, acknowledge my feelings and assure myself I'm safe, and realign my body with my internal environment. This is not something I plan for. I just occasionally take the deepest breath I can, and most of the time, my brain is like "hold up, what are you doing?!" Which is exactly the jolt I need to check in with myself. It takes me seconds to breathe, realign, feel my body relax and my brain calm. "Am I hungry, or thirsty? Do I need movement? Am I ok, do I need anything?" And then I move forward with what I need, or continue with what I was doing, in a much calmer and more aligned way. Intentionally.

I currently have a hard time managing the basics of breathing, sleep, and food. But also, I meet myself with compassion, because I know why its been neglected. How I stayed in survival mode for so long, without realizing it. How my overwhelmed and anxious feelings were so valid, and I ignored the feeling instead of just facing it and asking it, "why are you here?"

But there is one definitive thing inside of me, that wasn't there before/during the parts I forgot about myself. It's myself, mothering myself.

"Hey hun, you seem a little irritable, what's up?"

I tossed and turned all night.

"Oh, that really sucks not getting enough sleep. What do you need right now?"

I haven't eaten, and its been three hours since I woke up.

"Food, that's a good idea!"

I don't have time, so I'll just eat toast.

"Friendly reminder, that won't actually help you feel better. You need MORE than that, so what else can you come up with?"

Eggs and bacon sound good but I don't have time.

"Hey hun, you do have time for you. Your wellbeing is way more important than anything you think might be ahead of you. When you make this food, sit down and eat it, it will nourish you so much that you actually won't feel so overwhelmed, and it will give you energy to move about your day."

Your right. I know your right. Because the way I use to live was not taking care of myself, and not thinking I was worthy of the time it took to meet my needs. And I know how that way of life made me feel, and where I ended. That's old patterns I am trying to break. I want more from myself, I want better. (remembers goal and purpose.) Let's make that food!!

"WOOHOO! Thank you for choosing to take care of us!!!"

I show up for myself now. Not always, I'm still practicing. But I know what it means, what it feels like, and why I need to. When I don't show up for myself, I neglect myself, and when I neglect myself, I feel unseen. Ignored. And subconsciously, I feel overwhelmed by that... not meeting my basic everyday needs, is a slow death of myself. And I love her way too much to let that happen again. I fight for her now, no matter how it looks. Every day, I acknowledge her, and make sure she knows how important she is. Remind her that she is more valid than time, chores, late nights, crappy food, and money.

And you are too.