Celebrating the Good
It's hard for me to talk about the positives of the day to day. Some of it feels magical enough that if voiced, it would disappear like a faint puff of smoke. I had to dive a little deeper, asking why I couldn't celebrate and share the goodness within myself.
Some of the "I don't deserve to be happy" feelings stem from the conditioning of religion in my childhood. Pride is the first thing that comes to mind. I remember it was ok to take pride in my work, by my actions being good enough to elicit a "good job". But pride in myself, for doing a good job, was a sin. It meant I was gloating. I was selfish. I was looking on myself, not others. So when someone did say, "good job," I awkwardly said, "Thank you," while coming up with some excuse to take the spotlight off me. "You should thank my parents who trained me." "I'm just doing what you asked." "I don't mind getting dirty to help others in time of need."
While digging a little deeper to figure out why I couldn't celebrate myself, I also found some of it came back to that people pleasing mentality, where I have the emotional need to please others, even at the expense of my own needs or desires. So if I'm happy, it must be because I took care of my needs, which means I neglected someone or something else. When I think about what I didn't do, it brings an instant shame/guilt feeling, and starts the downward spiral of rock bottom for me.
And then there is a little snippet of thriving when digging deep within myself and swimming in the muck of self discovery. I often don't like what I find and ignore it for a while. I have a hard time figuring it all out. Yet, it's oddly satisfying to me to do this work.
The last discovery I made was, I feel awkward when feeling happy about myself, and the positive day I'm experiencing. To avoid that awkward feeling, I obviously ignore it and keep myself distracted by people pleasing.
What a mess, right?!
Such a massive relief doing the work to develop myself further.
To stop the cycles of hurting myself.
Where am I going with all of this... In all honesty, because of the forementioned deep dive into why I believe I don't deserve to be happy, is because I don't believe in the worth of myself.
[Long pause for saying that out loud. A deep breath to acknowledge the feeling. A moment to accept and love myself, by validating the feeling. And then hugging it as the lie disappears like a cotton candy when it gets wet.]
This specific blog post, is because I wanted to eagerly share one of the biggest changes I've seen in myself over the last six months. It's the "simple" act of valuing myself. According to google, to value ones self means: to believe you are worthy of love, respect, success, happiness, and all things good. It means you believe in your capabilities and recognize your strength and resilience.
It's a constant practice of choosing myself, one that does not come naturally or even remotely easy. And it's in the littlest of details that get lost in life as a mother. When asked where I want to eat, or what movie to watch, or where we are going for a long weekend, I speak up now and say what I want. I don't choose what will make the collective group happy, so I don't have to deal with complaints while running on survival mode. I might even plan ahead a little and advocate to make what I want actually happen. Not because I'm selfish. But because I do in fact matter, and I am worthy of happiness and goodness.
When I acknowledge I have value, then I naturally feel my needs also have value, because they are an extension of me.
Which means, my needs coming before someone else's needs are not stemmed from pride or selfishness. But from the value of my own worth.
I do have to fight for my needs sometimes... most times. I don't know if it's because I'm still learning, or it's just the way life is.
Sometimes I have to write my needs on the to do list to make sure it happens.
Once in a while, we start school late because I finally made time for myself and don't want to get out of it just yet.
My needs put a strain on the budget sometimes.
And when I choose my needs over someone else, I feel bad.
But I acknowledge the feeling by saying, "Yes I see you. It's part of it. Several opposite feelings can coexist. I still have value, and meeting my needs upholds the promises I made to myself. The trust in this relationship with myself, is important."
That means that sometimes the house is dirtier than I would like it to be, because I neglected the chores to make time for baking, writing, walking, or another family task that weighed heavier on my mind. Or that the kids "have nothing to eat", as they say, because I made them fend for themselves at lunchtime while I took a cat nap. Maybe even a day of cuddles and movies because I just "can't even".
All of it, is an opportunity to show myself that I have value, by choosing my needs.
Choosing what I love, what makes me happy, what will make me feel self respect and success. It doesn't mean that the negative feelings will go away. In my experience, it actually makes the negative feelings a bit louder. But the value I hold for myself outweighs all of it.
And the benefits are happier days on this journey of life.
