My "How To" Phase

As a writer, I’m in constant thought, processing my feelings and environment. Distinguishing from reality and what I am experiencing personally. This process has served me well when it comes to the unfamiliar, the deep despair, and the hardness, because most people don’t talk about these things. The lack of knowledge forces me to make sense of my experiences, through journaling, asking questions, and getting personal to identify it for myself. It’s how I’ve operated the last nineteen years as an adult.

Being in the healing process of my life, and having such a massive personal shift this past year, I’ve come to realize something I’ve not heard before. And I cringe to say it…

It doesn’t seem like there is much depth to happiness and contentment as there is to sadness and despair.

Happiness feels better.

Happiness is talked about way more.

Happiness always takes the center stage and is very safe amongst strangers, because most people can relate.

People even fake happiness, because it is so socially acceptable… and as human beings, it’s in our nature to be accepted.

So now, as I’m healing and experiencing happiness and contentment on a regular basis, I feel like my writing is taking a hit.

I don’t know how to write about happiness, without repeating what everyone else is already saying. How do I make my voice unique and keep authenticity.

It brings me to old patterns of feeling like I need to do more. To be more. That somehow, I’m lacking, because I can’t write about happiness in a way that is unique to me; in a way that hasn’t been said before.

I, obviously, journal about this process and find myself in what I’m calling my “how to” phase.

How to show up for myself.

How to process emotions and feelings.

How to communicate my needs.

How to find my needs.

How to have boundaries.

How to listen.

How to ask for help.

How to hold space for others.

These days, I’m learning how to move forward, daily. To be with the hard and happy feelings, and to be with myself in a healthier mindset.

I feel really great. Proud of myself. I have a vision of how I want to feel and what I want to be doing in six months from now, and in twenty years. I have goals to reach, and excitement to get the work done. I’m ready to make bad creations, and mess ups, and explore what lies ahead of me, knowing I can’t get there with perfection. Knowing that there is still beauty to be found in the “how to” phase, even if I can’t see it right now.

Thank you for being here, to witness me.